“Maybe…” I barely heard him.
I walked around and knelt on the floor in front of him, putting my hands on his knees. We’d made out and gotten off a few times since that first frotting session. We touched and kissed a lot and exchanged blow jobs. The chemistry was there. But mysecret was looming between us, and I wondered if he knew. I wondered if sharing it would help him.
“Kay, we need to talk, and this might not be the right time, but…”
He looked up at me, tears in his eyes. “There’s…there’s something. Between us. I’m afraid that we need to break up before I—before we get hurt by this. I’m already too attached.”
“Break up?” What the fuck was he talking about? “I don’t think that’s the answer. Let’s talk about it.” When he didn’t answer, I had to confess. “I have a secret, Kay.”
“Me too.”
“I think I know what it is.”
“I’m not loving being the frontman on the stage. I think that’s becoming more and more obvious, Don. But this isn’t about that. It’s about us. About me.” He touched his chest.
“Are you afraid I’ll think less of you? Haven’t you seen some of the same things in me?”
He scowled, obviously trying to recall our interactions. “What do you mean?”
“I guess I'd better just say it.” This was it. The moment that would either blow up in my face or…maybe make things easier on both of us. But we had to discuss this if we were going to get serious. “Do you understand what a little is?”
“S-Sort of…” He looked perplexed.
“It’s when a person likes to pretend they’re a kid again. Some like to do babies or toddlers, some like middles, meaning older kids.” I looked up to see how he was taking this. He didn’t look as confused as he’d been; instead, he looked scared. I had to go for it. “I fall somewhere in between toddler and middle. Depending on what’s going on and how far I get into that headspace.” There. I said it. I bit my lip.
“You?” He ran a hand through my hair. “You’re a little?”
“And, uh, I suspect you are too. At least, you have that potential.”
He nodded. Not denying it was a huge first step. “I guess. I mean, I thought when you found out, you wouldn’t like me anymore.” His voice dipped into regression.
“I’m the same, Kay. Why did you think I wouldn’t like you? I like you so much more. I also think that embracing it might help with being on stage. It stresses you out when you should be enjoying it. If you play more, let yourself be little more, then it might help manage that stress and get you back to what you loved in the first place.”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that. But…yes. Fuck! I’m so busy trying to hide who I am, when I get onstage, it’s another level of being someone I’m not.”
“I want to help you with this. I’d love to play with you. But there is one more thing to talk about. I, uh, I want a daddy. And if that happens…”
“That’s what I was talking about before. I love you, Don. And it’ll break my heart if we break up.”
“Don’t you think I feel the same? But we’ll always be friends no matter what. And we can play together. Benefits or no benefits.”
“So. Friends with benefits until we find our daddies?” Because, of course, Kay wanted one too, and honestly, he needed one. I wished I could be that for him, but I was better at sitting beside him than driving.
“Yes, Kay. And then we stay friends, because I love you too.”
Chapter four
Donavan
Things changed fast after Rocktoberfest. Ziggy went to rehab, and Midnight Hunt took a break. Blacksmith Sugar took over the rest of the tour, and Bramble Punk still opened. At first, I thought it meant Kay had to go on the rest of the tour without me, but after a few meetings, it was agreed that I should stay on as Midnight Hunt’s liaison, since they had a stake in how it went.It was good for all of us. And good for Kay, more than anyone else knew.
The guys in Blacksmith Sugar were tight and didn’t socialize as much with Bramble Punk, but that worked out better for Kay. When we finished a show, we didn’t stick around to watch the other band; we went to either the bus or the hotel room. We had shows in LA, Seattle, Salt Lake City, Oklahoma City, and the final show, which we were now finishing up, in Dallas.
Kay tossed his pick out into the crowd and shot them the rock horns—pinky and index up—with both hands and walked off the stage, everyone following. I handed him a towel. “Thanks.”
“Sure. Let’s go back to the bus.” He looked around for Alden. It had become routine, so the guard wasn’t far away, already expecting to escort us out.
Kay held my hand as we walked through the back of the house and out. He was practically vibrating, the adrenaline still pumping. “I’m going to take a shower.” He leaned in closer to me and whispered, “Then we can play.”
