The warm summer breeze comesthrough the open door and brushes my face. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, exhaling unsteadily. My heart skips a beat, hoping it isn’t him walking through that door. I’m not ready to face him yet. Though, would I ever be?
It’s a false alarm—a couple and their two children walk in, smiling expectantly at the hostess.
A restaurant.
Am I crazy?
Why would I suggest a restaurant of all places for us to meet? I haven’t been able to eat in anticipation of our non-date for the past two days, and I still feel like I am about to hurl. There is no way I will even be able to keep down a glass of water, let alone steak frites.
But itisour place. And it had been our place for the three years while we were dating. We used to come here all the time—at least twice a month. And now I’m leaving. Leaving New York and officially leaving him behind, and I had just wanted to say bye one last time before I left the city, if I never came back. If there would be no reason ever to come back. Truthfully, if I would never, ever want to come back.
I haven’t physically seen him in a little over a year, but we’ve foolishly been staying in touch, and it hasn’t been easy. To say this has been the most challenging year of my life would be an understatement. I have never felt more unstable or in need to control everything in my entire life.
This dinner is supposed to beituntil we are ready to come back to each other. Until we can say, “I am my own person and can be with you as equals.”
Are we crazy? I don’t know. I do know that we needed a breather when we broke up in May of last year. Things were so intense with us. They are still so intense.Soconsuming. We didn’t know if it was good or bad, but we knew we wanted to be together in the end, and if that was going to happen, it was important we learn how to be independent of each other. We were way too wrapped up in our relationship. When we agreed to this separation, it seemed to make sense at the time. Now, I’m struggling to understand how this will truly help.
The breakup was supposed to help with both of our growths, but I have never felt smaller or weaker than I have in the past twelve months. Is that pathetic? I feel like I’m losing my footing on what my future is supposed to look like. And all for what? Because I needed to enjoy my senior year of college with no emotional ties?
The thing is, I’m already emotionally tied. I will always be emotionally tied to Austin.
He said it would be for the best, but all this separation has done is cause anxiety and uncertainty. The insecurity has made me miss him more, cry myself to sleep almost every night, sleep with all the wrong boys, and drink way too much—destructive behavior that is starting to take a toll on me.
Maybe this whole thing is a mistake.
I feel like everything in my life is blurring, like everything I thought my life would look like could slip away any second now, despite all that he’s said. We were supposed to end up together, but now I’m on my way to grad school on another continent. And I still have no idea how this is supposed to help our relationship.
How are things going to work out in the end?
It’s true. I am trying to prove to him that I’m not some inept, overly emotional young girl and that we will be able to do this, have a life together. He will, in the meantime, focus on work and his grad school applications. Austin also has some growing to do in that regard.
We’ve discussed the separation at length, and he’s reassured me several times that he loves me and that he’ll wait. Though we discussed being emotionally exclusive, we agreed that we’re free to be with other people physically. The plan is to be emotionally unavailable to anyone else but each other. I just can’t shake this feeling that something isn’t right.
I close my eyes as memories of our last night together flash before my eyes.
“We will come back to each other,”he had whispered in my ear as we had made love.
Cringing, I think back to that moment and take a deep breath in and out. I remember every single detail of how Austin’s lips had traveled all over my neck and chest, how he had pinned both of my wrists down with his left arm over my head and had hiked up my right leg onto his hip with his other arm, how our warm bodies had moved in unison.“I love you. Forever, I love you,”he kept whispering in my ear as I moaned in pleasure.
I’m getting dizzy.
“H-hey.”
My eyes fly open.
“Oh my God, hey.” I laugh awkwardly, feeling my cheeks redden and heat more and more by the second. I’m actually blushing.
Austin smiles sheepishly. “It’s so nice to see you again,” he says as he stands behind the chair across from me.
Oh God, am I supposed to get up, too?
“Um…” I start to get up from the bench behind the table quite awkwardly. I’m struggling.
He notices this and quickly says, “No, no, please! Don’t get up!”
“It’s fine.” I walk around the table to where he stands and accidentally knock over my water glass.
Jesus Christ, what an idiot.
