“What if I’m getting my hopes up for nothing and look like a fool doing it?” My voice cracks. “And I still don’t know what I want at the end of this. If things keep going this way, I don’t know if I’ll want to sign the divorce papers. But am I just being naive? It’s been a few months and maybe this is just like some summer camp romance where everything happens so fast but when it ends, it’s done for good.”
Her expression softens and she moves toward me, pulling me close with an arm around my concave shoulders. “Forget the papers. That shit is arbitrary. You can still spend time with him whether you sign them or not. What do you want?”
“I want to be around him all the time because he makes me feel like my favorite version of myself. I don’t want to lose him again and I’m still figuring out what that takes. I kissed him last night, Ev, but what if that messes everything up? We haven’t talked about it yet. I’m not ready for an all-in,walking down the street with cameras in my facerelationship.”
When I’m with Wes, I’m at my most vulnerable, but I don’t think I’m able to be vulnerable and under constant scrutiny. Idon’t want the world to have access to something they know nothing about and potentially poison it.
“I can’t tell you what to do, but I know if you don’t try, you will lose him.”
She’s right, I know she is.
The doorbell chimes.
Evelyn cocks a brow. “Expecting someone else? Is it my turn to fail at hiding in the bathroom?”
“Not that I can think of.” I get up and check the peephole. No one. I open the door and there on the welcome mat is a brown paper bag with a delivery receipt stapled to the front.
“What is it?”
I smile. “Breakfast.”
The first show.
After months of hard work, redoing the same eight count until it leaks into your dreams, and performing to an empty room, this is what determines if a performance really is more than just the sum of its parts. Like a tree falling in a forest, observation changes art. Being seen adds a texture of meaning.
Even the most seasoned amongst us are braced for the result. Will it all pay off or will this tour be cursed?
With my back pressed against the wall in my dark dressing room, head between my thighs as my stomach twirls and sloshes, I’m starting to think I might mess up the entire thing.
I tap out a hurried text to Evelyn, the brightness on my phone turned all the way down.
Me
Any chance you have food poisoning?
Ev
No. I’m out here with Garrett. Alyssa and Jared are here too. I think George will join us in a few, but she headed off a minute ago.
Ev
Are you okay?
Me
I think so
Ev
See you after. The lights just went down so Wes is about to come on.
There wasn’t anything about the breakfast hash we split this morning that looked particularly suspect, but I can’t think of anything else that would have sent me into this state.
“Is there anything you need? There’s thirty minutes before you have to be on deck.” Kendal’s soft voice leaks through the door.
“Five more minutes. I’ll be good,” I tell her, though at this point I doubt she’ll believe me since this is the third time I’ve repeated myself.
I was feeling fine this morning through final mic checks, and even through hair and makeup. It was when Kendal came in with her camera and asked me, “This is the first show you’ve had complete creative control over from song selection to costuming. How does it feel to have this freedom?”
