“What does Maddie have to do with this?” she asks. “It’s been a long time since you two ended things. I don’t understand. Help me understand.”
I run my finger in circles over a knot in the wood. Grounding myself. I can do this. I’ve been talking to Dr. Davis about it. But it’s harder here. Not talking to an image on a screen. “At first, I really thought she wanted to help me and my career, introducing me to the right people. Taking me to parties. She knew how to make me feel special but also convinced me if I wanted to keep feeling that way, then I needed her. I didn’t think twice when we started meeting at her place instead of the office.” I try to trace another circle but my fingers start to shake.
Avery grabs my hand, rubbing her thumb gently over the side. “I’m here.”
I start again, vomiting the words out like some poison that I can rid out of my system if I just talk fast enough. “I thought it was normal. She was touchy, especially after a drink or two. Friendly. The first time she kissed me, I thought I’d just given her the wrong impression and told her that. Next time was after I landed a cover shoot. She told me that, without her, I was just a pretty face, someone who needed guidance. And when she put her hands on me, I couldn’t say no. She had all this power, and I believed her. I needed her and her connections. I never went to college or really had any skills besides music. I didn’t see any other options. I told myself I could deal with it until I had enough power of my own.”
When I’m done. I do feel like I’ve expelled something rancid from my system. For so long, I felt like the only thing I could do was keep it in. If I didn’t say anything, then I would be the only person the harsh reality affected. It’s been a secret with so much power over me, but talking about what I survived seems to loosen the grip it has over me. Still there, but more bearable.
“And then you cut ties,” Avery says. Her voice is level, but I feel the rage radiating off of her, only contained for my benefit. “You got out.”
“Mostly.” I slump. Any energy I had is gone, leaving me boneless.
“What does she still have?”
“A cut from my Fool’s Gambit earnings.” That’s always been one of the worst parts, how in some small way, she has a claim on the best years of my life. I can’t even talk about them without her getting a cut of the inevitable spike in sales.
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“I didn’t want you to know. She could have ruined it for all of us. Taken our dreams and thrown them in the trash.” My fists clench.
“It would have been worth it to me. Fame was never my dream. This life? I don’t need it. Making music with you. That was the dream.”
“Which is exactly why I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t have asked you to make that choice. I’m not worth it.”
“Like hell you aren’t!” She launches to her feet and paces, arms thrust in the air, hands looking like she’s attempting to choke a ghost. “You know… I hate when you do this. Act like you’re expendable. Like you matter less, for whatever reason, and have to hide that you have actual fucking feelings to make the rest of us feel better. And then you joke and smile. Just let me fucking care about you, damn it! And if I ever see Maddie with her stupid fucking lipstick that is that weird shade of orange—” She’s cut off by the sound of her phone in her pocket. Without looking she silences the call. “I swear to God, I’ll—” It rings again causing her to huff. She answers and snaps. “What! I’m in the middle of telling my best friend he needs to get better at asking for help!”
Best friend. Two words that ring in my head.
It’s cathartic to see her angry for me.
This door opens in my chest, letting out one of those emotions Avery has reminded me that I forcefully ignore. Like her anger has allowed me to access some of my own. I should have been able to trust Maddie. Should have been safe. Instead, I was backed into a corner and forced to make an impossible decision.
She pauses, her cheeks tinting pink. “Oh shit. Yes, that’s my car. I can be there in five minutes. Thank you, sir. Sorry for yelling.” Another pause. “Yes, he is very important.”
A laugh gusts from my lungs. Liquid snot drippling from my stinging nose that I hastily wipe away.
“What?” she demands, shoving her phone in her pocket.
“Nothing. It’s just that I’m veryimportant.”
“There you go joking again.” She props a fist on her hip, and I take her in.
Fuck, I missed her. Not just these last two weeks, but in the way she has missed me, for ten years. But really, I think I’ve missed myself too. Locked myself away and only let myself feel what I can handle.
“Let’s get going before he leaves you stranded all over again.”
Avery
Fall 2008
Sunlight casted dappled patterns through the quivering naked branches over the burial plot.
I would have preferred rain, for the world to weep after my tears had run dry. The last time I cried was three days ago.
After the call, Wes found me in the hall, phone pressed to my ear even though the other line had disconnected a while before. The next thing I remembered was a stomach-dropping ascent as Wes and I sat silently in Martin’s jet. I don’t know if he let us use it out of genuine concern or that he knew it was the fastest way to get the guys’ tour on track. As it was, Wes had to miss the next show.
We landed in Nashville and sped to the hospital. It didn’t matter how fast we got there, though. Dad was gone before we made it to Tennessee. Inside, under the hum of cool fluorescent lighting, George clutched me to her chest. I didn’t know if she was holding me up, or if I was supporting her. I’d been taller than her since I was fourteen, but at that moment, I felt so small. The wordsstrokeandthere was nothing else we could doringing over and over in my ears.
