Chapter Fourteen
JEREMY
May 2017
I can’t believe she’s graduating. My sweet, precious baby sister is going to walk across the stage and shake hands with the president and move her tassel to the other side of her cap.
And then she’ll be done. Just like that.
My sister is a pretty amazing person. She’s gone through a lot in life and has been strong enough to come out on the other side, full of positivity and drive and determination to succeed. She’s gonna enjoy her summer off and then start graduate school in the fall at UCLA. She wants to be a teacher and a high school soccer coach, and I think she’s going to absolutely rock at it.
Rachel’s boyfriend, Mack, is sitting next to me in the stands, along with Charlie’s brother, Greyson. I can promise that I have never felt a punch in the gut like I did when I walked into their apartment this morning and found Charlie wrapped up in another man’s embrace. And I’ve never felt relief as sweet as finding out it was her brother.
Rachel had a nice little laugh about it and Charlie gave me a little smirk. I can’t help it if I wear my feelings on my sleeve, sometimes. Right?
So now, we sit in the stands, us three guys, supporting two important women in our lives as they complete the last step towards an amazing achievement.
I’m thrilled for Rachel, absolutely. But I keep thinking about Charlie, how brave she is for going after what she wants even without her parents’ support.
“She’s crazy about you, you know.”
I turn to my right, where Greyson sits, innocently sipping a coffee that I know is spiked with something. I want to ask for a sip. But instead, I just stare at him.
“Charlie, I mean.”
“Yeah,” I reply. “I figured that’s who you were talking about. I was just surprised you said anything. Aren’t you two supposed to have a great bond and hold each others’ secrets and all that shit?”
Greyson smiles at me.
“Usually, yes. I know some doozies about that girl that would send me to my grave if she knew I shared them with anyone, let alone you.” He chuckles, but then relaxes his face until it’s just a soft smile. “She’s the only thing that got me through high school, what with how my parents reacted to me coming out.”
When my brow furrows, he looks surprised.
“She didn’t tell you? My parents basically disowned me when I told them I was gay in the 7thgrade. Charlie was the first person to know. I think I told her when I was in the 5thor 6thgrade. But the big thing was telling my parents. I knew they were the types to care a lot about what everyone else thought, but I really did think telling them was a good idea. They always seemed to care about everyone, so I just figured that they’d care about me too, even though I wasn’t going to be who they originally wanted me to turn into.” He shakes his head and takes another sip of his brew. “My father spoke about 10 words to me between the time I told them and the day I left for the east coast five years later.”
“That must have been hard,” I say, unsure what to say other than show him my support. I might have had some shitty circumstances growing up, but even I can’t imagine that kind of pain.
He nods. “Yeah. Well, like I said. I had Charlie. Our other sister, Issy, she was too focused on what our parents wanted to realize what was happening to me. When your mind is focusing on towing the line, you don’t pay attention when that line is tied like a noose around someone else’s neck. But Charlie did everything she could to show me that I was loved. It’s probably the only reason I didn’t try to find that love somewhere else, you know?”
He sighs. “But it took me a while to realize that Charlie didn’t have anyone like that inherlife. I had her, but who did she have? So she did the thing every self-help book says kids do when they don’t get enough love growing up. She tried to find it somewhere else, in somebody else.”
My stomach clenches, feeling like there is a space deep in my gut telling me that if I had just realized this about Charlie when we first got together, maybe I could have solved that for her, been the person she needed.
“I’m just glad she finally found it, you know?”
“What do you mean? Found what?”
“Her self-worth,” he replies.
I scoff. “Charlie is one of the most confident people I’ve ever seen.”
He just shakes his head. “Confidence and self-worth are completely different things, man. One is a projection for others. The other is an internal need for belonging and love. Confident people have low self-worth all the time, and people who believe intrinsically that they have value and worth aren’t always confident. They’re apples and oranges.”
Just then the announcer welcomes everyone to the 122ndCommencement at Glendale College. The words are clear and crisp over the speakers, but it translates into white noise in my mind. All I can think of is the strong, confident woman getting ready to walk across the stage and accept her diploma. I think about all of the times when she has done everything she can to be supportive and helpful to Rachel, what she has done to support and care about me, even when she probably had barely enough time to for herself.
And I feel this growing impatience. This desire to tell her just how much she means to me. How important she is. How special. My body gets slammed with a restlessness that she needs to know, right now. She needs to hear from me that no matter what happens between us, she will always be someone special. That her decision about me, whatever it is, doesn’t take away from how important and loved she is.
“So anyway,” Greyson continues, “like I was saying. She’s crazy about you. But she’s had all these people in her life that haven’t really gone to bat for her. People who love her but not enough, not in the way that says she comes first. I mean, look at our fucking parents. They’re skipping her graduation because they don’t approve of hernursing degree.You know how smart you have to be to get through that? All the science classes? Yuck. No thanks. But that’s just the life she’s lived. She’s never been first, she’s never been the most important. I think it’s why she’s always wearing bright colors and drawing attention to herself. She wants the validation it brings when people look at her. But not in a shallow way, you know? It’s just that… well, there’s always a part of her that will believe she’s not enough.”
