“I’ve never stopped wanting you.”
She stares where my hands are over hers, her eyes glassy. She doesn’t say anything for so long, I worry what’s going through her mind.
“So, I’m supposed to jump at the chance to be with you now that you’ve gotten everything out of your system?”
I’m startled by her words and I squeeze her hands as she tries to pull them away.
“Charlie… that’snotwhat I’m trying to say, here. At all.”
But she’s shaking her head, and I know that whatever part of her wants to believe me is being strangled by the part of her that thinks I’m an ass. ThatknowsI’m an ass.
“You have no idea what everything you just said is doing to me right now,” she says. “I think you think your words are going to have this swoon effect where I just crumble becausehooray you finally decided it was time to put your dick away and go after something meaningful.But what about how that makes me feel, huh? To know that you’ve spentyearscaring about me and wanting me and doing nothing about it? I couldn’t have beenthatimportant. Definitely not to the level that you think we should magically be together like nothing ever happened.”
She wipes a hand at a lone tear streaking her cheek.
“And I hate to break it to you, Jeremy, but I don’t want to have a relationship that’s on the whim of yourfeelings,because – no offense – it seems like those are as consistent and reliable as the weatherman. Your feelings blow you all over the place, and I don’t want to be involved in that storm. I have enough bullshit going on in my own life and don’t need to worry constantly whether you’re feeling in love with me today or not. Love isn’t a feeling – it’s averb.It’s an action word, Jeremy. It’s something you do, not how you feel. And you have literally done nothing to show me that you have anything for me other than feelings that will sway wherever the wind blows you.”
She chuckles humorlessly again, the self-deprecation in her voice clear.
“And you want me to believe you’vegrown up, orchangedso much since you were a senior in college? How’s that?”
She lifts a finger to start counting.
“There’s the fact that I’ve seen you hooking up with girls at least three times since the fall, all different people. And that’sjustthe times when I wasatthe parties or bars where you were.”
She lifts a second finger and I feel my cheeks heat.
“There’s the fact that you’ve been nursing your problems with alcohol and got arrested.”
She lifts another one.
“There’s the whole drama with RJ and her boyfriend, who you manipulated by threatening his job.”
She finally puts her hands down, and her face relaxes slightly.
“I’m not trying to be a bitch, Jeremy. I’m just pointing out very obvious things that point to a strong possibility that you still have quite a bit of growing up to do.”
It’s clear she’s finished now, because she picks up her burger and practically shoves the entire thing in her face.
I’d want to laugh if I didn’t feel so gutted.
What was I thinking by sharing all of that shit with her? That she’d realize I was worthy of her? That she’d fall into my arms, like she said I was hoping for?
I’d never even thought about how she might react, so sure things would work out the way I envisioned. It’s exactly what did when I had her pick me up from the police station. And then what I did again when I pushed her into helping me with the basketball team.
God, how fucking self-absorbed have I been?
“Charlie…” I start, but I’m not sure what to say.
“Look, Jeremy,” she pauses and wipes her face with a napkin. “What I said in the car? About you needing to look to the people who love you for help? I really did mean that. And even though things have always been weird between us, you’ve been this peripheral part of my life since I met RJ. You’re important, and I don’t know if that will ever change. Idowant to be helpful, in whatever way I can.”
She grabs her bag and sets it in her lap, looping her hands through the strap like it is the only shield she has from me.
Gotta be honest. It feels like shit to see that.
“I will always be here for you. But as a friend. I just can’t see us being anything more than that, okay? It’s not because I don’t care for you. I just feel like we have very different ideas of what relationships should look like.”
She lets out a sigh and stretches out her neck.
