Did I think about anyone but myself when I called her? No. I thought about what would be easiest on me, not her. And can I tell her that even though I’d rather her pick me up than my sister, I hate that she’s seeing me this way? But at the same time, how seeing her beautiful smile was the only positive thing I could focus on while sitting in the drunk tank? No, of course not. She’d laugh in my face and call me a prick. I don’t deserve her kindness, so the self-deprecating part of me is somewhat thankful I’m not getting it.
When we finally reach RJ’s VW bug – a cute little thing I helped her restore so she could have her own wheels during her freshman year of college – Charlie unlocks the door, climbs in, then reaches across to unlock the door on my side. Once I’ve settled in and we’ve pulled out of the parking lot, Charlie asks me the obvious question.
“What thehellwere you thinking, Jeremy? A DUI? After everything you two have already been through with your dad? Seriously?” Her tone of voice communicates just what an idiot she thinks I am.
“I wasn’t shitfaced, okay? I just still had some in me from last night.” I sigh and rest my head against the back of the seat. “Did you know that most people get arrested for drunk driving in the morning on their way to work or on their way home from somewhere, when they think they’ve slept it off?” That bit of info had shocked me when I’d had to endure the long stream of information from the cop who drove me to the station.
But hey, the more you know.
“I don’t give a shit about that, Jeremy!” she shouts at me, filling the car with her anger. “You think any person who has gotten into an accident because the other driver was drunk caresat allhow long ago the driver had stopped drinking? Or where they were going? No! They don’t.” She slams her hand into the steering wheel. “What if you had hit someone?” And then her voice warbles. “Orworse, what if something had happened to you?”
I finally glance over at her, and I’m stunned to see tears rolling down her cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “That’s really all I can say, even though I know it’s not enough.”
Unbidden, my hand reaches over and wipes a tear away from her cheek. She flinches, but then just as quickly, she leans just slightly into my hand.
After a few seconds, I pull back, settling into my seat and staring out the passenger side window. We drive in silence for a while, the downtown LA traffic not having let up even though rush hour should be over.
“What is going on with you, Jeremy?”
Charlie’s whispered question thrusts a knife into the comfortable silence. When I don’t answer, she continues on. “I know we aren’t … close. But something is different with you. RJ’s noticed. Even Mack and I have noticed, and we don’t normally spend any time with you. It’s like…” she pauses and shrugs. “It’s like the light inside you is gone.”
I continue staring out the window, not really sure what to say. I’ve never considered myself to be a person who has alightinside them.
“Whatever light you think you saw… I’m not sure it was ever there to begin with,” I finally say as we pull up in front of my building.
When I look at her, she’s shaking her head. “You’re wrong, Jeremy. You’resowrong.” She lets out a humorless laugh. “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I really know you today. But the man I met freshman year? That man? He was agood man.A man with promise and life and the world at his fingertips.”
She adjusts in her seat to look right at me.
“I don’t know you now, but I know the goodness inside of you. I know it’s still there. And yeah, maybe you’re a different person now because people change. But the way you love your sister? The way you care about and support your friends? How hard you work at a craft you’re so good at? Those are a light inside of you Jeremy. And for some reason, you’ve let that light die. RJ told me how hard you took it when she shared with you what it was like growing up in your dad’s house. And I can’t help but see a connection between how you’re acting now and the fact that you just found out about all of that a few months ago.”
She shakes her head.
“Everything seemed to take a nosedive after RJ’s accident. You’ve been skipping out on things with her, making excuses. Don’t think she hasn’t talked to me about it. We’re best friends. She wants you in her life. She loves you so much. And you’ve been pushing her away. And I think it’s because you think the shit hand she was dealt was your fault.”
She lets out a breath.
“Don’t push away the people that love you. Don’t let go of the things that are important to you. Because if you do, you’re walking down a road that’s been travelled before. And look how well that turned out for your dad.”
My head jerks up at her statement. I don’t really have a response. What do you say to all of that?
I stare blankly out the window for a minute, deciding how to respond.
“I appreciate it, Char. I do. I just…” I exhale and rub my face with my hands. “… I just don’t know how to deal with how I feel about anything.”
“Do you actuallyknowhow you feel?”
“Lost.”
The word is out before I can censor it. But I know it’s true. That’s exactly how I feel. Lost. And alone.
“Well, if you’re lost, ask the people who love you to help light your path so you can find your way again,” she says, and I can’t help that my lips tilt up slightly at how cheesy she sounds. But at the same time, I know how genuine she’s being right now.
“I know it sounds cheesy,” she adds, “but family and friends are in our lives to be our guideposts. They help us figure things out when we feel like we can’t handle it on our own.”
I feel this welling in my chest at her words. I’ve only cried one other time in my life, and this is how it felt. When Rachel told me our dad had abused her after I moved away to college, I felt like I was dying inside. But back then, I was crying because of what happened to someone else.
