Maybe Asher won’t say anything. Maybe he’s already called Deacon. I step under the spray and squeeze my eyes shut. If he has, then Deacon will have called Kieran in, I think. They’ll talk about me without me there, like they did with Augustine, with the whole challenge.
I clench my jaw until my teeth hurt, then squeeze shampoo into my palms. Every stroke of my fingers over my scalp is measured and deliberate, the pressure even. If I can focus onwhatI’m doing, then my mind doesn’t run away from me.
That only lasts so long. When I’m soaping myself down, my thoughts spiral again—this time, about the ruined fight, whether it counts towards the ten I owe the twins or whether I’ve already broken the terms of our agreement, what might have happened if I won, if I lost, if Asher had chased me, if Asher has spoken to Maurice, if Kieran is on his way to throw me out of the pack, if I have to go back up north, if, if, if…
The mirror’s steamed up when I step in front of it, so I can’t see my expression. Good thing, too. My head feels full, mood beginning to sink. It’s partly the adrenaline; objectively, I know that. The fight, then running… I’m ready to crash, only crashing has been almost dangerous recently.
I hear a tentative knock at the door when I leave the bathroom, dressed in pyjama bottoms and a loose, grey T-shirt. It’s one of Drew’s, the one he gave me to sleep in when they first brought me here. I tug on the hem of it before I cross the living room.
A deep breath brings me my visitor’s scent and makes my heartbeat spike at the same time. Kieran. Could Asher have moved that quickly? I don’t think Deacon would have calledKieran about this, not if the Wild Hunt are involved in the whole thing.
Kieran knocks again. He knows I’m standing here, probably. Even without a wolf, he’s observant.
I unlock and open the door, unsurprised to be hit with his easy smile. The concern lies in his eyes; it’s hard for him to hide it, once a person knows what to look for. I’ve been friends with Drew since we were babies. I’ve known Kieran my entire life. Sure, he left, but Iknewhim once.
“Hey. Was wondering if you wanted to come and eat with us?”
I frown. It’s already past ten, so Drew will be in bed—he has to work tomorrow. “You haven’t eaten?”
“Drew and the others did,” Kieran says, waving a careless hand. “Lucien and I were trying to get some stuff together about the new fae Maurice introduced us to and I lost track of time.” The smile he gives me this time is guilty and the first genuine one that’s been aimed at me for a while. “So I’m eating. If you wanna join.”
I do. I really do want this pack to be my home. There’s nothing that could get me back up north again—in the end, they sent down the things I asked for, and they’ve packed up the rest, left it in the house I used to live in with my parents.
Pain strikes my heart, devastating in its accuracy. I told the pack I don’t want the house. It doesn’t matter. The documents are legal, human legal, which means I’ll have to get a solicitor and go to a bank and sort it all out.
Not to mention, I’m not exactly the pack’s biggest priority right now. The house sitting empty for a few years will mean nothing. They all have to heal, too.
I know that better than anyone.
Kieran clears his throat and I realise he’s been waiting for my answer. I drop my eyes on instinct, fear prickling like bugs over my skin. I can’t go in there. I can’t face them all, not tonight.What if they figure out what I’ve done? What if Asherdoesgo to Deacon and he calls while I’m there?
What if they realise I can’t shift?
“I…” I shake my head. “I ate. Already. I’m gonna sleep.”
Kieran is silent for too long. I glance up, and his expression hasn’t changed, but he’s studying me like he really can read every secret I’m keeping on my face.
“Fine,” he says eventually, with a little frown. “I’ll let you off tonight, since it would only be the three of us. But Drew misses you, you know. I expect to see you at least once this week.”
One dinner. I can do that. It’s not like Ineverhang out with the rest of the pack; only, since I started the fights, it’s become harder to spend time with them and pretend there’s not another thing I’m not telling them.
“I’ll be there.”
Kieran nods, and when he steps in closer, watching me carefully, I let him. Some of the anxious tension in my chest loosens when he slides a hand around the back of my neck and squeezes tightly. Not quitemaybe it’ll all be okay, but at least I might eventually fall asleep tonight.
“We all miss you, Quinn,” he murmurs, tapping his forehead lightly against mine. I huff at the pain and Kieran’s grin is lightning-quick. “And I don’t want to seem like I’m nagging you. We just want to spend time with you. Okay?”
“Okay.”
He squeezes again before he leaves, and once I’ve locked the door, I rest my head against it. For a few moments, standing there in my silent, empty flat, I consider following him anyway. Kieran wouldn’t mind that I already said no.
I shiver. Except, even being around the lot of them—noisy and vibrant as they are—won’t stop my mind from reeling back to the twins and what happened tonight. It won’t stop me fromdwelling on the fact that I don’t know if that fight counted or if I’ve just lost my wolf.
I push away from the door and head into my bedroom. Bed. Sleep. Or maybe lying there staring at the ceiling until I inevitably pass out from exhaustion, but it has to be better than standing by the door wishing for things to be different.
My stomach turns when I pull the duvet over me, nightmares pooling in the dark shadows of the room. That’s another reason not to sleep, of course. Sleep pauses the anxiety, or at least gives it a different form, but the nightmares, the memories… I can push them aside during the day, for the most part. Their domain is here, in the dark, and after everything that’s happened today, tonight promises to be restless.
I snarl and punch my pillow into a more comfortable position, thinking about Drew before I close my eyes. He misses me? I miss him, even if that feeling is more complicated now than it ever was before he left.
