It’s Drew. Of course it’s Drew. I squeeze my eyes shut, crying harder, even though I’m trying not to. I can’t talk to him. Notright now. Not ever, it seems like because the worst of it all, the biggest, darkest, deepest secret I’m keeping?
Idoblame him.
I don’t want to, but I do.
“Quinn?” Drew calls again, a little louder.
Give up.I want him to go. I can’t feel my wolf, but frustrated anger is surging up alongside all the sorrow, and some perverse part of me likes that I can feel that still because it’s better than the alternative. Right? It has to be.
He knocks again, and then there’s silence. It’s heavy. I don’t know if he’s gone or if he’s waiting, and if he’s waiting and I get close to the door, then he’ll smell the sadness on me and demand to be let in.
And then I’ll…
Fuck. I don’t know.
I don’t know, either, how long it is before I push up into a sitting position and drag myself into the bathroom to clean up. Even after I’ve come out of the shower, my face is puffy, and I sniffle as I stare at my reflection.
There’s no trace of my wolf in my eyes. No hint of silver, and I don’t know how long I’ve spent looking for that these past few months.
What if I told them?
Back to the doctor. Sam won’t know what to do—he just doesn’t know enough about wolves, not yet—so it’ll be seeing a slew of magic users, too, all of them poking and investigating and offering vague platitudes and—
Neverunderstanding how it feels.
Kieran won’t understand, though he’ll think he will. He knows what it is not to have a wolf, but he never had one to begin with. Drew will try, I know that. He’s never lost his. Been out of sync, sure, but never to this point.
My hands tighten around the porcelain of the sink, and I push away before I can do something stupid like punch the mirror. No explaining that away, is there?
I put on pyjama bottoms and a T-shirt and consider spending the rest of the night in here alone. The fights will still be going on at Mischief & Mayhem, I imagine, but I’m not going back there. It’s almost midnight. I won’t sleep for a few hours yet, if I do at all tonight.
Someone else knocks at the door, and I pause in the action of picking up the TV remote. This knock is quieter but not timid.
“Quinn?”
It’s Ophelia. Guilt floods me because I like her. I think shecouldunderstand, if I knew her better. She’s from a pack, but she’s not a wolf, and she tries. I know she tries to reach me.
She also can’t scent my emotions, so I move closer to the door but don’t open it. Despite the shower, I’m still achy, and she’ll spot that right away.
“Hey,” I say. “I’m just, I was about to go to bed.”
Ophelia is silent for a moment, probably wondering why I won’t open up. And about the lie I just told her. She knows I don’t go to sleep early. We’re all on weird times, what with how many vampires are in this pack, but mine are stranger than most.
“You were?” she replies. “Oh. I was gonna ask if I could hang out.”
I press my forehead against the door. I just want to be alone.
No, I don’t.
But I can’t let her in. Ican’t. There’s no explaining it, just that I know if I try to open the door right now, my body won’t do it. If she gets inside and asks me about the bruises, about why I’ve been crying, I won’t be able to answer.
I close my eyes and pray my voice doesn’t sound weak when I say, “Sorry. Another time?”
Please, please, please.I need her to agree and walk away, and I know she’ll tell Kieran, but I can’tdealwith this right now.
“Yeah,” Ophelia replies, voice hesitant. It’s firmer when she says, “I’ll hold you to that, Quinn.”
“I know you will.”
