Mindlessly, he sought the bond, hoping to catch a glimpse of her pleasure through it. But no matter how he grasped for it, it wasn’t there. Where once he would have experienced her ecstasy as his own, now there was only the faintest brush of happiness.
His guts hollowed. He had placed too many hopes that their physical connection would renew the mental one. What had felt like victory now just underlined the loss. The bond between them should have blazed to life when they connected. Instead, there was only that thin thread, barely there, mocking him with its weakness.
“I hate this.” The words tore from him as he held her tight in his arms, both of them still quaking from the force of their releases. “I should be able to feel you. Share this with you properly. The bond is so damaged by my mind walls, but I swear I am working to bring them down.”
“Stop.” She pressed her fingers to his lips. “Please, don’t apologize.”
“But you deserve—”
“I have what I want. You. Here. Alive. In my arms.” She curled against him, and he felt wetness on her cheeks. She was crying. “That’s more than I hoped for. It’s more than I deserve.”
Chapter 23
Idabel
She couldn’t let him continue. Not when he kept apologizing for something that was her fault. The words burned in her throat as he held her, still joined, his knot keeping them locked together.
She didn’t deserve this intimacy. She didn’t deserve his tenderness. “Stop apologizing.”
He had a wild look in his eyes. “I hate that I can’t feel you.”
“You can’t feel me because there is no bond.” The words tumbled out before she could stop them. “I broke it. On purpose.”
His entire body went rigid. “What?”
No going back now. She pressed her face against his chest, unable to look at him. “Years ago. I opened a vein so I lost enough blood to sever our connection.”
“Is that even possible?” He shifted, trying to see her face, but they were still locked together. “Are you telling the truth?”
“I’m not lying. I broke our bond because I didn’t deserve to be your mate. Not after what I did.” A sob ripped out of her.
“What you did?” His voice went dangerously quiet. “What did you do?”
The confession poured out like water, weak and chilling. “Your bite. When Lord Wilkin saw it, he took my blood. He said it was for documentation, to prove a gargoyle had bitten me. But he traded it to the goblins who used the bond in my blood to See you. To track you. The Sixth Watch’s movements, your positions, your strategies, everything. That’s why you could never get ahead of them.”
“No.” She felt his muscles tense, preparing to fight or flee even while his knot held them together.
“Every ambush by the horde. Every attack that came from nowhere. It was because of me. Because I was stupid enough to let them take my blood.” Her tears soaked his chest. “Your watchmates died because of me.”
“Don’t speak of my brothers’ fall.” His tone rang with command, and she felt herself shrink into nothing.
Her teeth chattering, she continued her confession before she lost her nerve. “I didn’t know what else to do. As soon as I realized what was happening, I looked for ways to break the bond. I couldn’t be sure how much of my blood yourenemies still possessed. Betje and Ghantal were with me for the bloodletting. They made sure it was as safe as possible.”
It was a truth and a lie. She’d had to wait for moons before she could act. She had to wait for Loïc to be born, and then wait moons longer to recover from the birth to Betje’s satisfaction before she would help.
“My motherknew?” The words came out as a snarl.
“We agreed it was for the best. To protect you. To save whoever was left.” Idabel forced herself to meet his eyes. They’d gone flat and empty. He looked like he was in daysleep already. “If I don’t ask for your forgiveness, it’s because I know it’s unforgivable. But I promise, I broke the bond as soon as I could.”
He bared his teeth and yanked aside the shoulder of her bodice so roughly she could hear threads strain and snap. He stared at the empty place where the scar of his mating bite should have been, and his fierce expression shattered.
“You erased me.”
“I only erased the bond. Not you. Never—”
His knot finally softened enough for him to withdraw from her, and he did so immediately, leaving her gaping and empty. He stood up, his back to her, wings pulled tightly to his body. Hot with shame, she rearranged her skirts to cover herself, even as his seed slipped from her.
“Do you know how many of my watchmates died?” He turned to face her, and she saw the full extent of his fresh scars in the lamplight. Dozens of them, carved into his hide. He pointed to them one after another. “I carry them all. Every death. Every gargoyle who fell under my command.”
