He’d smelledLoïc, she realized. Oh, if he only knew how misplaced his jealousy.
“It’s close quarters,” she fibbed lightly. “Many gargoyles cross my doorstep each day.”
“You should be here. Unless—” His expression darkened. “Did my mother welcome you? I asked her to help you make your home here. If she did not…”
“Ghantal has been nothing but kind.” Mostly true. “We agreed the rookery was best. She has a great understanding of Tower politics. A human in the commander’s quarters while he was at war would have caused the wrong kind of talk.”
Not a lie, exactly. There had been talk. Terrible talk. The human who’d betrayed the Sixth Watch, whose blood had been used to track and destroy them. She’d been lucky the rookery dwellers would let her live there. The only reason she’d been accepted was her pregnancy with Loïc.
“Politics.” He spat the word. “I don’t care about politics. I care about mymate.”
Oh, fallen gods.
He pulled her close again, wings coming around them both. “My reputation means nothing without you at my side.”
She pressed her face against his chest, hiding the tears that threatened. “I wished for you to come back. Every day. Every night. I never stopped hoping you were alive and well.”
“I’m sorry.” His voice cracked. “I’m sorry it took so long to return to you. And I’m sorry about the bond. I can barely feel it.My mind is so damaged, all these walls I can’t break down. I’ve weakened us. Weakened what we had. I’m trying so hard to get it back, though.”
Her heart stuttered. He was apologizing for her betrayal, taking blame for her choice to sever their connection. “Don’t. Never apologize to me.”
“But—”
“No. You survived.” She pulled back to meet his eyes. “You came home. That’s all that matters.”
“You deserve more than this broken version of me.”
“You owe me nothing.”
“But I want to give you everything.” He cupped her face, thumb tracing her cheekbone. “Once I’m healed. Once these walls come down, I will court you properly. Publicly. I want everyone to know you’re mine.”
She couldn’t speak past the lump in her throat. He was offering her everything she’d dreamed of, not knowing she was the reason he’d almost died. Not knowing about Loïc. Not knowing anything except that he loved her still.
“We have time,” she managed finally. “All the time we need.”
A falsehood. Every moment that passed without telling him about their son was another betrayal. But looking at him now, thinner than before, with unfamiliar scars, eyes haunted by what he’d seen, she couldn’t add to his burden. Not yet.
“Come lie with me,” he begged. “In our nest, where you belong.”
“I can’t.” At his expression, she added quickly, “Not yet. You’re still healing. We should take things slowly.”
“Six years apart wasn’t slow enough?”
“Brandt—”
“You’re right.” He pressed his forehead to hers, his breath gusting out, smelling of petrichor. “I’m not safe. Not yet. Themasons say I could still haveepisodes. I couldn’t forgive myself if I hurt you.”
“You would never hurt me.”
“Not the old me. But this me?” He pulled back, and she saw the fear in his eyes. “I don’t know what I’m capable of anymore.”
“Then we’ll learn together.” With a squeeze around his waist, she broke their connection. Her heart gave a hollow thud. “Should I visit again tomorrow night?”
“Tomorrow. Every tomorrow until you’re ready to come home.”
She kissed him once more, pouring all her love and guilt and hope into it. Then she left before her resolve crumbled and she confessed everything. Before she destroyed the fragile new connection they’d found.
She climbed down to the rookery feeling lighter and heavier at once. Brandt was alive, still loved her, wanted a future with her. But between them lay secrets that could destroy everything: a son he didn’t know existed, a betrayal he didn’t remember, and a severed bond that couldn’t be restored.
