Delphie sighs. “I wish that were true. I was reckless when I went outside.”
“I trust you learned from your mistake,” I say gravely, my heart speeding at the reminder that I almost lost her.
She nods. “Part of me always felt like I played it too safe in life. I didn’t get out there in the world and do hard, risky things like my parents and brothers. I always wanted to be adventurous like them. But hard, risky things got my mom killed. I should have thought more about the stakes and whether they were worth it. I should have valued my safety more.”
“Yes,” I growl, squeezing her tight. “You should have. But this is easy to forgive when I have you in my arms.”
“There’s something else. Please forgive me for judging you too quickly. When I got here, I criticized you for getting a massage instead of doing what I wanted you to do.”
“You were right. The search for Lena was more important,” I cut in.
She puts a finger on my lips. “No. I was wrong. Everyone wants something from you, Nik. We all want your brilliant mind and your loyalty and your attention and your strength. But you can’t keep giving and giving and giving without getting something back or taking time for your health. Your body pays. Your spirit pays. I should have seen that. I’m sorry for stealing that little bit of peace from you.”
“It wasn’t peaceful. It was painful,” I say wryly, remembering the pressure of Cidro’s unyielding hands.
“Whatever it was, it was your time. Time you needed. And I disrupted it. I don’t want you to think you don’t deserve to take those moments to care for yourself or let others care for you. As your queen, I will fight for those moments. You deserve care.”
My lungs flatten, hearing her say that. The idea is so alien to me, so outside my experience.
You deserve care.
Do I? I’ve done so many terrible things in the name of duty. Duty that felt empty because I served nothing. I wasn’t even like the priests of the Eye, who could at least use Alioth as an excuse. I was an apprentice to Chanísh’s whims.
I justified it to myself at the time. I did what he asked because if I refused, he’d force another of my brothers to do it, anyway. It would still bedone. And this way, they would not have to live with themselves afterward, as I did. It gave them a break from his unrelenting cruelty.
Perhaps I should have extended myself the same compassion.
Perhaps sharing the weight of this responsibility with my brothers would have made it easier to bear. Perhaps banded together, we could have stopped him sooner. That was probably why he was so determined to keep us at odds. He wasafraidof us. Not of each of us individually but of our connection. That is how powerful a connection borne of trust and communication can be, powerful enough to terrify an emperor.
If only it weren’t broken between my brothers and me. But Delphie has shown me that connections can be repaired. Forgiveness granted even when I haven’t fully earned it. Maybe I can salvage something that my father did his best to destroy.
I bend my neck, pressing my forehead against hers. “I forgive you anything. Everything. You have made amends a thousand times over with all you have taught me. All the ways you’ve fought for me. I would be proud for you to wear my crown.”
Chapter 29
Delphie
I’m surprised by the weight that lifts, hearing him say that. Maybe I’ve been holding on to the feeling of rejection a little too hard. It’s kind of become part of my identity these past couple months that my friends have all been chosen and I haven’t. And just like I internalized my mom’s bravery and sacrifice as my own failure for not doing the same thing, I internalized my friends’ amazing relationships as my own lack of worthiness.
I am brave. I am worthy of forever love. I feel my eyes sting as my emotions well.
“I scent your sadness, Alara,” Nik growls. “I only ask you to take my crown, I do not order you.”
I blink back my tears and laugh. “I’m taking it. Don’t think for a minute that I’m not. You know you’ve taught me just as much as I’ve taught you, right? I have things to heal inside me, too.”
He nuzzles into my neck, licking over his healing bite. “I do not like to think of your wounds. The ones that have been given to you or any new ones you might receive. It almost killed me, seeing you in the pits.”
“Are you mad that I asked Aqen to teach me how to fight?”
“No,” he says, sounding so surly that I have to laugh at the obvious lie. He gives a grudging chuckle. “I do not like to think ofyou as someone else’s apprentice. That is why I’m going to teach you. He may be your instructor, butIam your warrior.”
“Mm,” I say, wriggling in his arms, heat pouring through me. “Youaremy warrior. My hero. My king.”
He groans into my shoulder, and I feel his cock prodding against my thigh. “Do not tempt me when I must leave you. It only punishes all those who I have to deal with while my mind is here with you in our quarters.”
A little thread of disappointment weaves through me. “You can’t stay?”
He kisses his way up my neck to my jaw and then pulls back, even as his fingers dig into my hips. “I must prepare for our joining tomorrow. And I hope to finalize the negotiations with the priests. I owe the apprentices at least the appearance of instruction. And the miners will need me to review the epylium crates. Cidro wants me to begin my treatments as soon as possible, and—”
