He scowls at me for a long, silent pause.
“What?”
“I am trying to remain calm,” he growls.
“See, I knew you’d get wound up about it. Just because I’m scared doesn’t mean I’m going to back out. I’m not like that,” I insist, even though I feel a little bit like that. “You’re going to see your mom again, don’t worry.”
“Delphie,” he snaps. Oh, he’s definitely mad. What happened to remaining calm?
“This is why I didn’t want to tell you. Now you think I’m going to ruin this, and I’m really not. You’ll see. I’ll suck it up and walk right onto their ship with a smile.”
“You are not going to the Eye!”
I blink. “I’m not?”
“No! I told you I’d keep you safe. How can I keep you safe if you’re in Zomah’s hands?”
“Diplomacy?”
“Not good enough. I wouldn’t risk you like that. I can’t believe you thought I would,” he chides.
I won’t lie, a small part of me is relieved. But the other ninety percent is confused about how this is going to work. Wehaveto do the exchange. It’s the only way that Lyro can rescue Lena. “What about the moms, though? How are you going to do the exchange? It’s really important we free them, Nik. More important than me.”
His jaw muscles flex and his eyes narrow. “We’ll use a decoy. Wearing a few layers, one of the smaller apprentices can pass for you. It will grant us a few minutes to secure the concubines.”
“And then what?” I ask, a bad feeling creeping over me.
He answers with grim satisfaction. “Then we fight.”
My adrenaline spikes, remembering the battle on Irra when the priests came for Ada. I walked bystacksof bodies on the way to the spaceport. It was horrifying when I didn’t know any of them. Now that I do? Now that it’ll be Aqen and his friends? “No.No.”
“It’s not your choice.”
“Yes, it fucking is! If I go, nobody gets hurt. Nobodydies.If I don’t go, a lot of people will. A lot.” I can’t keep the quaver out of my voice. “You know how you want to protect everyone? So do I. It’s in my DNA, I think. I know I’m not a badass like the rest of my family. I might be able to throw a punch, but I can’t go up against a real warrior. I can protect people this way, though. All I have to do is walk onto a spaceship. It’s the best solution.”
“No.” He’s not looking at me. Heknowshe’s wrong.
“You can’t stop me from doing the right thing.” As soon as I say the words, I know they’re a lie. He can, and we both know it. He could lock me in this room. He could assign warriors to hold me back. He doesn’t even need warriors; he’s so strong, he could stop me with one hand. “I accept the risks, Nik. And I also accept the reality that my life isn’t worth all those other lives.”
“You think you can save everyone. Try saving yourself.”
“But I’m not—”
“Important? Because you’re not a mother or a soldier? You are those things and more, and I won’t waste you.”
“It’s not a waste. It’s the best thing I can do with my life.”
“Die?”
“Die for acause.” Like my mom. What she did was important. It wasn’t a waste. It wasn’t.
Goddamn, my heart hurts.
I brace myself for an explosion of temper, knowing Nik won’t agree. But he doesn’t blow up. He closes his eyes and stands there in silence, just breathing. Then he opens them again. When he speaks, his voice is tight and earnest. “You say your life is less important, but it is not. You are aqueen, Delphie, chosen by the goddess to be my mate. When I think of you in the Eye’s possession, locked up and under guard, I want to kill them all. I would trade a thousand lives for yours. But I realize the alternative is doing the same, locking you up to stop you from making this sacrifice. So I am unsure how to proceed.”
“I’d rather be locked up here than locked up on a space station. At least here, I get to sleep with you,” I joke, trying to make him crack a smile. It doesn’t work, so I try another angle. “The goddess wouldn’t choose me and then let me die. Plus, the priests worship her. If I can prove I’m your Alara, they won’t go against Alioth, will they? If I’m wearing your crown, they might even help me. We should have a joining ceremony as soon as possible.”
He makes a low noise of dismay. “You would take my crown for this reason?”
