‘Have you never seenShrek?’ she claps back.
‘We’re here,’ Bea sings. ‘Time to disembark.’
‘Incidentally, I am familiar withCinderella, and your ugly stepmother is very much as expected,’ Tiggy whispers.
‘I think it’s the sisters who are ugly,’ I tell her. ‘I think the stepmother is just wicked.’
‘Well, you got both rolled into one,’ she replies. ‘Ugly on the inside and definitely wicked. I miss Aunt Liz.’
‘I’ll give her your love, the next time we speak,’ I reply.
It must be at least ten years since Mum last saw Tiggy but they always got on really well.
‘I can’t believe this lot have talked me into a walk,’ Tiggy says with a sigh. ‘I’ve had to borrow flat shoes from whatever Chester’s mum’s name is. My feet are like a Barbie’s, they don’t know what to do.’
‘I don’t love walking either,’ I tell her. ‘We’ll stick together.’
‘We will – after you chat with Beau, of course,’ she replies, egging me on. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll take care of Ethan, and I know just to look, not to touch.’
We all filter off the bus, grabbing the fancy matching water flasks Seph gave us all for the trip, and stand in the car park awaiting further instructions.
Car park is a grand name for it, I suppose, because really it’s just a sandy patch off the road from the town, where vehicles pull in to drop off walkers.
‘Darling, you know your dad isn’t getting any younger,’ Bea tells Seph, although I suspect from the tone of her voice she is equally if not more worried about herself.
‘Mummy, you have nothing to worry about,’ Seph assures her. ‘I chose the easiest walk – no dangerous cliff-edge walking or difficult hills – simply a stroll through the forest where we can take lots of lovely photos and go at a relaxed pace until we reach the waterfall.’
Easy, not dangerous, stroll, lovely, relaxed – words that are all music to my ears, and going to see a waterfall sounds great. I just need to make the most of it.
‘Okay, everyone, let’s get into pairs, so we each have a walking companion to look out for us,’ Seph suggests. ‘Chester and I will stick together, of course. Mummy and Daddy. Mummy and Daddy-in-law to be.’
Eleanor hasn’t come with us (no, I’m not disappointed) because she’s allergic to some kind of tree sap? Apparently she hasn’t interacted with a tree since the nineties and, because this is her, I kind of believe her. I also think it’s plausible that she didn’t fancy a hike.
‘Oh, may I walk with Ethan?’ Tiggy pleads. ‘I’d love to get to know him better – and Beau less.’
‘Hilarious, Tigs,’ Beau replies. ‘But I am happy to accompany Lana.’
‘Yeah, er, yes,’ I say, correcting myself. ‘Yes.’
I need to try not to sound so keen but I am, and I’m grateful to Tiggy for giving me the opportunity.
‘Yeah, that’s fine by me,’ Ethan adds with a smile, although I suspect he knows what is going on.
‘Right then, shall we?’ Bea suggests.
We all set off along the sandy path that leads into the forest, two at a time. It’s a gloriously hot and sunny day – and I think I saw on Instagram that there is snow back at home, so I feel incredibly smug to be here. I’m in Australia, with an actual earl, walking through the mountains in the sunshine, when really I should be back in snowy Leeds, in the office, running around after Jennifer and doing my best to avoid Steve.
Ah, Steve. I’ve just reminded myself that I am homeless, which is just stunning. I wonder, even if it’s just a one-off birthday gift, if Dad might give me some money to get a place of my own. Not to buy one, obviously. Just to help me out with a deposit and maybe my first month of rent. Honestly, just when I feel like I’m getting back on my feet, and like I might have the money to get a place of my own, something comes up – like an expensive wedding gift and to buy a very specific dress to attend said wedding.
I don’t know – we’ll see. I’ll have to work up the courage to even ask but who knows? Maybe if he sees me on my best behaviour (even if it is only to impress Beau) he might be more likely to say yes.
Beau and I are the last ones to join the line but I’m happy to walk at the back because not only does it mean that I can keep an eye on Ethan, it also means he can’t keep an eye on me.
‘Lana,’ Beau says with a welcoming smile.
Everything Tiggy told me surges to the front of my brain at once.
‘Lord Cunningham,’ I say, curtsying slightly. Whenever I see people doing it on TV, curtsies and bows always seem – small? Not much of a movement, just a subtle acknowledgement. God, I hope all of that was right.
