I lie back on my bed, laughing to myself now that I’m alone again. Did he really think that was going to achieve anything? The whole thing is so pathetic, I almost feel bad for him. Almost.
19
There are two things I am grateful for, on my date with BigMikey69 right now. One is that this place is dimly lit and the other is that we are sitting at a table, because if ‘the thing’ was in my eyeline, I don’t think I would be able to concentrate.
It has to be a cucumber – it has to be. There’s just no way that thing is real, and it’s low-key disturbing that he thinks it’s going to help him pick up women. He really does accentuate it, in tight trousers, and he almost brandishes it as he moves around.
‘Okay, Lana,’ Mike says with a grin. ‘You know the drill. Tell me about yourself.’
‘Well, I work for a company that builds lifestyle apps,’ I begin.
‘Lifestyle apps?’ he repeats my words back to me.
Oh, God, don’t ask me which.
‘Yeah, just little things, to make day-to-day life easier for people,’ I explain.
‘Yeah, people are idiots,’ he replies. ‘If you can convince them they need apps, to function, why not milk it?’
I nod, not sure how to respond to that. I see what the person who added him to Redflags meant, when she said he was kind of rude.
‘What about you? What do you do?’ I ask.
‘I’m in property development,’ he says, leaning forward slightly. ‘I’ve got a monster development right now.’
I can see that.
‘Basically, I buy semi-detached houses in shit areas, do them up, knock them through into one – you wouldn’t believe the crap people are willing to pay for, if it gives them more space.’
‘Sounds… enterprising,’ I reply.
‘Yeah, if you ever need a big semi, you know who to call,’ he tells me.
Oh my God, is he joking?
‘Enough about work, what do you do for fun?’ he asks. ‘Please don’t say yoga or some other basic chick thing.’
Yikes.
‘I like going out,’ I tell him. ‘Watching movies, going out for meals, bars – basic person stuff.’
‘Okay but there’s going out for meals and there’s going out for meals,’ he replies. ‘A McDonald’s isn’t a meal.’
I mean, it’s definitely a meal I eat at least once a week…
‘There’s nothing wrong with fast food,’ I reply. ‘Some items on the menu are healthier than what you’d order in a fancy restaurant.’
Honestly, my family fucking love any food with another food inside it, and I’m not just talking like truffle-stuffed chicken, I mean they’ll eat like a rabbit, in a duck, in a turkey, in a calf. Ergh, it’s putting me off the chicken nuggets I’m going to get on the way home.
‘Healthier is just another word for bland,’ he says with a shrug. ‘But hey, if that’s your thing. Just don’t ask me to eat any of it.’
‘Noted,’ I reply. ‘So, what about you? Any hobbies?’
‘I like sports,’ he says, stretching his arms out like he’s showing off. Ha, and he accused me of having basic ‘female’ hobbies. ‘Football, rugby, whatever. I’m a man of simple pleasures. I usually prefer pubs to bars like this though.’
‘Yeah, these places can get a bit crowded, and loud,’ I reply. ‘They’re less laid-back.’
‘Full of posers,’ he corrects me. ‘It’s like, come on, you’re not impressing anyone by trying to flaunt what you’ve got.’
