Annabel scoffed. ‘And you’d know this how?’ Katy had to be the most child averse individual she knew. ‘Anyway, there are loads of single parents out there doing afantasticjob.’
‘I agree,’ said Katy. ‘But how many of them started out that way? How many are actually doing it throughchoice?’
Annabel fell silent. She twisted her wine glass backwards and forwards between the palms of her hands, she couldn’t deny that her friend had a point. Everyone knew someone who’d literally been left holding the baby. Either because, like hers, their husband had died, or he’d decided to be selfish and bugger off with the mistress. Women had left men to raise children on their own too. However, as much as Annabel felt for the difficulties these people faced, she couldn’t let their experiences stop her from becoming amother.
‘I’ve been having this same dream for months now,’ she suddenly began. ‘Tom and I are at the park and we’re pushing this little child on the swings. I can’t see the child’s face, or tell you if it’s a boy or a girl. Everything’s sort of hazy. I just know it’s ours, mine and Tom’s.’ She felt herself automatically brighten as the dreamy images played out in her mind. ‘It’s such a beautiful day, I can feel the sun on my skin and the three of us are laughing and enjoying ourselves. And the child just wants to be pushed higher and higher.’ She turned to Katy. ‘When I’m in that dream it’s just so real.Youknow?’
Her friend’s face said it all. Of course she didn’t. Having never been in a relationship that lasted more than a few months, let alone married and widowed, howcouldshe?
‘Then I wake up and I realise it isn’t real at all, which hurts to the point that I just want to go back to sleep so I can re-live it over and over again. Stupid, eh? You’d think after allthistime.’
Katy reached out with a comforting hand, but Annabel didn’t want sympathy, she wantedunderstanding.
‘So, you see, even though I know dreams like this don’t come true, that I’ll never have Tom’s baby, at least by doing what I’m doing there’s a chance a part of it might happen.’ She stared at the photo of her husband sitting pride of place on the mantelpiece. ‘He always said I’d make a great mum and I think this dream is meant to tell me I stillcanbe.’
Another look at Katy and she could see she was convincing no one. Maybe it was time to give up trying toexplain.
‘You just don’t like children,’ saidAnnabel.
‘I do,’ said her friend. ‘It’s the responsibility that comes with them that I don’t want. Honestly, Annabel, why would you put yourself through this? What if it’s too bigastep?’
Annabel understood the concern. When Tom died, she’d been barely able to function, and for someone who didn’t see the point in carrying on anymore, it had been a long and hard road back. At one point, she’d been barely able to look after herself. There was no way she could have considered caring for someone else, let alone a baby, and having seen her at her worst, she supposed it no wonder her nearest and dearest were worried. Maybe to them she was still fragile? In their shoes, she’d probably feel the same. But that was all in the past and Annabel felt ready to embrace the future, just not in the way everyone seemed toexpect.
‘The doctor looked at me like that when I tried to talk to him about having a baby too,’shesaid.
‘Really?’ replied Katy. ‘And thatsurprisedyou?’
Annabel recalled him trying to let her down gently. Lots of kind, amiable words were used, but the message was still the same—a big fat ‘no-chance’.
‘He said that, for all anyone knows, I’m perfectly able to conceive without medical intervention and thatNHStreatment is for those who can’t. He was very nice about it, of course. Although he did add that now might not be the right time to be making these kinds of decisions. He thinks I’m stillgrieving.’
‘Andareyou?’
Annabel let out a burst of mock laughter. ‘Yes, of course I am. A bit of me always will be. Tom was my soul mate, I think about him every day. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t raise achild.’
‘Of course it doesn’t,’saidKaty.
At least they agreed onsomething.
‘Surely there are other ways though?’ she added. ‘Other avenues you could tryfirst?’
‘I keep telling you there are,’ Annabel replied. ‘That’s why I went to see the doctor to begin with. There’s IUI, GIFT, IVF … but without theNHSand at thousands of pounds, where do you suggest I get that kind of money? Even if I donate a few eggs for some sort of discount I still couldn’t afford the reduced rates; not with what these private clinics charge. And no one can guarantee any of them would work first time around anyway, sowhatthen?’
‘What about aspermbank?’
Bless her, Annabel knew Katy was only trying to help, but she had done her research. On the other hand, she’d also done her sums and like most things in life, getting pregnant for a woman in her position came down to cold,hardcash.
‘Katy, I just can’t afford it. You’ve got to buy the stuff and get it shipped in these special containers and it still isn’t cheap. Especially if one month turns into the next and then the next. It all adds up. And what with prams and cots and everything else I’d have to buy for the baby once I am pregnant, I’d rather keep my savings for then. Believe me, this is my bestoption.’
‘Just not thesafest.’
Of course, she was right, but having thought of that too, her friend didn’t really have to point out the obvious. ‘If you’re talking about STDs, then I’ve got it covered,’ she said. ‘I’ll just make sure any potential father gets tested before I even think about doingthedeed.’
Her friend laughed. ‘You really think some random bloke is going to goforthat?’
In this day and age, Annabel wished she could say yes, a man would want to make sure he was clean. However, the realist in her knew it was a longshot. But as far as Annabel was concerned everything about this whole thing was a challenge. ‘Maybe not,’ she said. ‘Time will tell, Isuppose.’
Katy shook her head, clearly maintaining the view that Annabel was making a huge mistake and with the conversation going nowhere, it appeared they’d reached astalemate.
