“You know,” I start.
“Know what?”
I clear my throat. “You know this isn’t working. We tried the charade but…”
“Wait, Ben, I need to expl—”
“I overhead you and Skye,” I say, cutting her off. Both of us just breathe, waiting. I close my eyes and silently pray, beg, for her to start rambling about how she didn’t mean it or it wasn’t what it sounded like. But she just waits. I chance a look down at her, but she’s staring at the floor. I will myself to speak, “Yeah, so, you were spot on about me. We could’ve worked, I think, in another life. But I don’t want to settle down. I don’t want to stay in Juniper Falls for Christmas, it’s gone a bit stale, you know?” She sniffs and nods but says nothing. “I will always care for you,” the words are like sand paper in my throat, “but it’s run its course. We convinced Dad and Skye, so, yeah, well done, us.”
She sniffs and her voice is tiny when she looks up, “That’s it? Do I still get the—”
Damn.
Stab me in the chest, someone, anyone, please.
She really did just want the money.
“I’ve sent you the money. All of it,” I cut off her question.
She steps back in surprise, “You did?”
“Yeah, best to leave things cut and dry. You held up your end, I’ve done mine. Think I’ll pop off to London now, see all my old chums. Find some trouble.”
“Don’t we need to make more appearances? For the first year?”
Yes, but I can’t bear to see you.
“I’ll have Mitch text you, but only if we absolutely must, alright?”
She clenches her jaw and looks away, and I’m not sure what that means. I only know I’m bleeding out right here in this historic hotel hallway, my heart puddling onto the carpet. I’ve got to get away or I’m going to start weeping.
“Fine.”
“We’ll stay friends, yeah?” I say reaching out to touch her cheek because I can’t help myself.
She jerks her head away. “Only if we absolutely must.”
I decide to put the nail in the coffin. “I understand it’ll be hard to be just friends with me given how handsome I am, not to mention how great a shag I am, but you’ll have to soldier through.”
“Uh huh.”
Then for what might be the last time, the love of my life rolls her eyes at me.
I swallow, straighten, and walk away.
When I get in the car, Nigel starts to tease me about my sighing again, but stops. Even he can see it’s not the same. I’m not well.
I can only nod and he wordlessly starts driving.
We leave my whole heart behind me as we go.
44
JANIE
Janie: Well you were wrong, and I’ve never felt worse about being right in my life.
Janie: He left. Can you come over?
