Shit. Without realizing it, I’ve chosen a seat next to my least favorite instructor. Captain Hale is an old-school retired wildland firefighter. Even though he’s no longer working fires, he insists on sharing his knowledge through harassing cadets. Guy’s a dick on the best day.
I grunt a nonresponse, and fuck, but I sound like my former chief.
“Seems like you’re doing okay in class, but what I can’t figure out is why you’re here,” he continues. It’s the most conversational I’ve ever heard him be. Dude clearly doesn’t get the message that I’m not here for company. I’m only trying to get out of this funk I’ve been in since the moment I crossed the Georgia state line. “You came from the structure side. Why’d you want to move to forestry?”
I had to—for T.J.
The answer comes instantly. Blaring so loud in my head that I wonder if I’ve said it out loud. Somehow, deep down, I don’t think it’s the right answer. “It’s just something I’ve always had a mind to try.”
He nods like he understands. But,fuck, how can he when I don’t even understand why I’m doing this? It was socrystal clear before. My goal has been to be a wildland firefighter since… forever. But now that I’m here, it’s not what I imagined it would be.
“Well, if at any point you aren’t a hundred percent with it, you’ll know it’s not for you.” The words are like a punch to the gut. “It’s life or death out there. Too fucking dangerous to do this job on a whim and not feel that crazy-ass calling.”
He finishes his beer and says good night, leaving me reeling. My whole purpose, my entire future, everything I’ve envisioned for myself, feels like it’s swirling into something I don’t recognize.
He pauses on his way out to remind the younger cadets that we have a physical training run first thing in the morning, and I lurch off my barstool, leaving my unfinished beer to follow him out.
“Sir,” I call as I burst into the cool fall night.
“Yes?”
I don’t even know what I want to ask, nor why I stopped him. Somehow, his words hit home, but he’s not who I want to talk to about this at all. “Nothing.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Maggie
“Another round?” Jules asks from behind the counter of the Daily Brew. Her coffee shop is packed tonight and has been since she started offering signature cocktails every Saturday. What started as an experiment to attract more patrons on weekend evenings has turned into a huge success.
“Not for me. I’m on duty tomorrow,” Kate says with a pout. “But these were most excellent tonight.”
“Sure,” I say. I have a coveted morning off, and since my new hiking partner, aka Kate, has to work, I can sleep in and sleep off a couple of drinks. Plus, if I’m honest, I don’t want to go home on the best of days, so going home a little buzzed might make it slightly more tolerable. Might make the night a tiny bit less endless. Since Alice moved out and Jackson is gone, my place is too quiet.
Kate and I are at one of the new high-top tables Jules brought in, and Jules sits with us when no one is at the counter wanting a refill. Cal has a nightwith Charlie, and though we saw them earlier, they’ve long since disappeared upstairs. I’m not hating this impromptu girls’ night.
“So, I had a weird thing happen…” Kate says. “Jackson liked my latest post—the one from the hike we did last weekend.”
“Did he?” Jules’s eyebrows pop up, and her voice goes high like she’s all interested.
Me? I don’t care. Or try not to, anyway.
“Yeah, he did.”
The two of them are eyeing me expectantly. “What?”
“Have you heard from him?” Jules asks, and I can tell they’ve been waiting on this opportunity to bring him up.
I shake my head, hiding behind a sip of my cocktail. I’ve been actively avoiding thoughts of Jackson and have refocused so many times, I’ve lost count. Thinking about him hurts on a visceral level, and I am not here for it tonight.
“Oh. I guess I thought you two were serious. I mean, I remember that kiss he laid on you after the explosion call. Hot enough to melt the asphalt.” Kate fans herself with the napkin, making me roll my eyes.
“It was just a friends-with-bennies thing. I knew he was leaving and didn’t want to start anything serious.” The lie feels like chalk in my mouth. It’s hard to swallow, hard to breathe through this closed throat.
“No offense, Maggie, but you two were serious before you even started sleeping together.” Jules cocks a brow at me, and I take a long, defensive drag of my drink. She wasn’t supposed to throw my confessions from weeks ago into the mix, but the look she’s giving me makes me think she’s not going to let this drop, so I shrug, trying to be nonchalant.
“We’ve been friends for years, and even that wasn’t enough to make him change his mind and stay, was it?”Damn. I eye my drink. She must’ve made mine extra strong, because I have no clue where that admission came from.
“Ouch. Don’t be so hard on yourself,” she says.
