“Huh,” was all I could manage a second time.
“Was that the four-wheeler?” Chief Terry demanded.
“The scooter,” Landon replied.
“She has a scooter too?” Spencer grinned. “Wait, I think I knew that. I’ve heard stories about the scooter. Does she play music—the theme song fromThe Greatest American Hero—as she terrorizes the town?”
“The music is dependent on her mood,” Landon replied. “Sometimes she playsThe Greatest American Hero. Sometimes she plays rap. She loves Eminem. When Kevin Costner’s character died onYellowstone, she playedTaps.”
I nodded. “She rarely plays recent music. If you asked her who Chappell Roan is, she would have no idea. She used to like Taylor Swift but declared her most recent album too melancholy. She thinks Katy Perry is crap.”
“She likes Lady Gaga,” Landon noted.
“She does,” I agreed. “Eighties music is her jam. You know things are really going to get bad when she plays that Kenny Loggins song fromTop Gun.”
“Danger Zone,”Landon volunteered.
I bobbed my head. “That’s the one.”
“And this is what she does all day?” Steve asked. “She just rides back and forth downtown playing music?”
“She gets bored with that in an hour or so,” I replied. “A lot of the time she spends her afternoons plotting against Mrs. Little. Around her naps.”
“There are stories,” Spencer said, leaning forward. He looked as if he was about to impart a great secret. “There are stories about the unicorns in the store farting.”
I didn’t respond.
“Some of the stories say they fart glitter,” he said. “They sing sometimes, too.”
“I’m not sure what you want me to say,” I hedged.
“Is that true?”
I looked to Landon for help.
“Guys, most of the stories are true,” Landon replied after several seconds of contemplation. “Aunt Tillie likes to mess with Mrs. Little. The unicorns fart. One time they ate Cheetos and all the fart dust was orange. That was not the best smell.”
“A lot of her torture comes in the form of scents,” Chief Terry explained. “When she’s angry with you, she messes with the way you smell.”
“Give me an example,” Steve ordered.
Chief Terry took a deep breath. “For instance, once when she was angry with Bay, Clove, and Thistle, she made them all smell like bacon for days.”
“Once?” I challenged. “She’s done that multiple times.”
“That was the happiest day of my life,” Landon said.
I glared at him. “Even happier than our wedding?”
“You smelled like bacon at our wedding. She gave it to me as a gift.”
I’d forgotten that. Thankfully, because it was our wedding, only Landon could smell me that day. “The bacon thing has turned into a running gag because whenever Aunt Tillie is mad at me, Landon begs for the bacon curse,” I explained to Steve. “He thinks it’s great even though I attract every handsy man in town when Aunt Tillie casts the spell.”
“That part isn’t great,” Landon mumbled. “Let’s not take a trip to crazy town. I just like the smell.” He took on a far-off expression. “It’s orgasmic really.”
My cheeks turned pink as Steve and Spencer gave me twin appraising looks. Chief Terry slapped his hand over his forehead. Landon appeared lost in his own little world. He didn’t care what he’d said in front of his boss.
The buzz of the four-wheeler returned. This time Aunt Tillie was coming from the east side of town, and she was back in the purple cloak and camouflage helmet.
