As we stood there, his arms wrapped tightly around me, I realized that his strength wasn't just in his godly powers, but in his willingness to show his vulnerabilities. In that vulnerability, I understood him more deeply than I had anyone else. And it scared me—how much I wanted to do the same. To let him see me as completely as he showed himself. Though it terrified me to my core.
After a long moment, when I was sure my heart wouldn’texplode in my chest, I said, “We need to get out of here.” Side eyeing the crowd that had massively thinned out, I could see there were still phones held out, capturing our incredibly private moment. We needed to be anywhere but here.
Meeting Timothy’s eye, he gave me a grave nod.
“Where do I go?” Xander’s voice broke on the question.
“Where do you want to go?” I countered, letting him make the choice to find his own anchor.
“To where it's safe,” he said, a note of hopelessness in his tone that clawed at my insides.
“Where is that?” I asked, my heart in my throat.
Was he about to tell me where he’d been for so many weeks after I resurrected him?
His eyes met mine, and in them, I saw a reflection of my own longing for acceptance, for a place to call safe. “Where we first met,” he said, and the simplicity of his answer—the longing for a connection to a moment in time when things were less complicated, less burdened by the weight of the world—broke me.
Chapter 24
The Beast
“Close the door, please,” I asked, my voice hoarse. Bees and gnats still buzzed around my head.
Miranda pulled the massive cage door shut, but she closed it behind her, shutting herself in with me. I’d put some pants on that Timothy had at the ready when Miranda led me out of the fountains.
Instantly, the clank of my cage allowed me a sense of safety and assurance.
“You don’t need to stay,” I said more gruffly than I needed to.
Make her stay.
Make her leave.
Tell her to go away, not to look upon you like this.
Go drown in the ocean, drown,
drown,
drown.
“Hey,” she said, snapping my attention to her. “Stay with me. I’m not going anywhere right now.”
I grabbed my hair and yanked as I bent over, emotions and feelings drowning me in a confusing chaos, topped by a massive dose of shame. The sensation of fracturing from within is a constant companion, a reminder that I'm a mosaic of broken pieces, sharp and jagged, dangerous to the touch, even to myself.
“Xander, what’s happening, talk to me,” Miranda said quietly.
With every erratic beat of my heart, a new crack splinters through my psyche, widening the gaps where madness seeps in, whispering seductive lies of endless despair.
“I’m broken, sweetheart.” That unhinged titter of laughter escaped me. “I tried… I tried to hide it. I tried to heal it. I tried to make it go away for you, you, you.”
I blinked and found myself across the room, though I didn’t remember moving. Miranda studied me intently and her gaze felt like razor blades slicing through my flesh.
It reminded me of all the times she killed me with the blade on her hip.
I wanted to taste it right now. It would silence my mind. I needed silence so badly. I needed to prove to her I could be still, be whole.
“I thought your powers weren’t out of control anymore,” she said quietly.
