“What does it matter?” To anyone else her voice would have sounded flat and emotionless. But I knew her. Chaos was rioting inside her and she was barely hanging on by a thread.
“We have to figure out what just happened. That wasn’t...that wasn’t natural.” Icouldn’t thinkstraight.With a shake of my head, I said, “Something did that to us.”
I wondered if the woman had gotten away too, or maybe she’d been taken by whatever had been in the alleyway with us?
With an almost imperceptible shake of her head,Krystan’sfingers closed around the glass.“Now I know why the knife was in her heart.”
16
The live band playing crappy covers at the other end of the bar probably drowned out my words.Whatever had us in itssupernaturalhold had passed, but I was still gripped with the nightmares I’d seen. They weren’t imagined. They were memories. Memories I’d locked up tight, but the cage door swung open, and all my personal demonsshotoutreadyto tear meinto little bloodypieces.
Travis'shand fell on my back. The warmth saturated my coat and through my tank top into my flesh. My first instinct was to lean intohis touch,but then I wanted itoff. His warmth was wasted on me.
I turned and looked up at him. The blood that had welledin thecut along his throat had begun to dry. His hair was standing on end from pulling on it. I remembered glimpses of him crying and falling to his knees.Even with tears sliding down, hisface washardened and resigned as he started to slice his own throat.
It took me a minute to remember what I’d said.I knew whyshestabbed herself in the heart. That one factkept splintering my thoughts into all the violent, dark memories that delighted in theirnewfoundfreedom. The pain in my wrist still stung. It begged me to pick up where I left off.
“I still feel it,” I said, rolling the glass between my fingers.“I need it to stop.”
“Iknow you don’t plan on keeping the baby,Krystan, but I don’t think this is a good idea.”
Did I want to get rid of the baby?
Gran wanted me to keep it.
Technically, it was the last request she’d made.After that,Ihadallowed myself to consider my deepest darkestsecret.I wanted itto. Then Icouldprove to myself that our family wasn’tirredeemablymessed up.I’d been putting off getting rid of the baby becauseofa forbidden desire for awhite picket fencethatingrained so deeply inside me that even aftereverything,I hadn’tweededthem out.
I wanted Travis’s hand to stay on me forever. I wanted to have the damn kid, have Travis move into the damn house we’d somehow figure out how to keep,and beonebig damnhappyfamily.
The backsof my eyesstung;my throat had almost entirelyclosed.
ShruggingoffTravis’shand,my fingers tightened on the glass andI threw back the double shot of Knob Creek. It burned down my throat and the instant it hit mystomach,burning bile shot back up.
I was up and running to the bathroom. Slamming open the girl’s room, I ran to the nearest stall and puked.Blinking and gasping, I made the mistake of openingmyeyes.My vomitmayhaveimprovedthe state of the bowl.I heaved again.
Oh god,why was everythingso hard?Why was life so brutal, unforgiving, and horriblyironic?I was carrying the child of theoneman Iactually wanted, andI couldn’t have either.I would destroy both.
Where was Emma when I needed her? She would tell me I made things harder than they had to be.And that I wasn’t poison, just a super unique wine that only a select, cultured few could appreciate. Aconsummatereader, she always wove in floweryshit like thatwhich was one of things I loved and missed about my best friend the most.
Then there was amalevoicereassuringme, and hands smoothing back my hair as Icontinuallypitched over the toilet.
Travis’s voice was even and low. “It’s okay, let it out. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Even after I'd emptied my stomach, I continued to heavefor several long minutes.When I was done, I sucked ina shaky breathand straightened up. Travishelped me stagger to my feet and I turned around in his arms. “Travis, I can’t have this baby.”
Henodded. “I know. It’s okay, we’ll deal with that later.”
Pushing past himand out of the stall, I stumbledlike a baby gazelle. No one else was in the bathroom,soI leaned my back against thedoor to bar anyone from entering.
“You don’t understand,” I said covering my face. “I can’t ever have a kid. I can’t ever have a normal life. I’m dangerous and you should leave too.”
Then why have you trapped him in herewithyou?
“I don’t understand,” he said.
“My gran wanted me to have the baby. She said it would be good for me. That you were good for me, butthatdoesn’t make any sense. I only destroy.”
Travis squared off his stance like he did when he was ready to fight.“That’s not true.”
