“Gideon, you’re virtually a poet,” Niall says.
“I know. Don’t try and copy me,” I say loftily. “There’s only one of me.”
“I wouldn’t dare,” he says calmly. “I’d be belted one within the first twenty minutes.”
I laugh and suddenly Eli is at the door, followed by Milo and Oz carrying a tray of food. They’re laughing together. I clear my throat. Eli jumps, and when he turns and sees me his smile widens and heats, making me swallow.
“Can you leave us?” I say abruptly, and everyone turns and stares at me. I shift slightly awkwardly. “I mean can I be alone with Eli, please.” They don’t move and I wrinkle my brow. “Now,” I suggest.
Oz laughs loudly. “How is it that Milo has trouble asking for anything that he wants and Gideon never stops?”
Silas snorts and they pass me, Oz smiling at me with a light of what looks like approval in his eyes.
Milo and Niall come towards me. “Well done,” Niall says, and I grin at my oldest friend. His approval has always meant a great deal to me.
“Thank you,” I say hoarsely.
Milo hugs me, and I hug him back, inhaling his sweet, herby scent and feeling most of his hair attempt to insert itself up my left nostril. He pulls back and cups my face. “I am so very proud of you,” he says carefully but very clearly, and I feel tears in my eyes.
“That matters a great deal to me,” I say hoarsely. “You’ll never know how much.”
“I do,” he says serenely. “I love you very much, Gideon, and I’m proud to be your brother.”
Then he and Niall are gone, and I stare after them, feeling like I’ve been punched in the face. “Did you hear that?” I say, slowly turning to look at Eli.
He’s right in front of me and all I can see are his clear olive-green eyes, the open and freckled face, his steady smile and warm eyes, and suddenly I need him so badly I could cry.
“Oh God, can you hold me? I need you so fucking much,” I whisper. I have never in my life begged anyone for anything since I was seven. Only him. Because he’s safe, and I know he’s all mine.
Instantly he opens his arms, and when I step into them and his scent enfolds me, I feel like a tortoise must feel who’s stepped back into his shell. Safe and warm and calm for the first time on this hellish day.
The words spin out of me like I’ve been whirled around and had them shaken free. “I love you,” I say into his throat. “I love you so fucking much. You’re everything to me. Please don’t ever leave me.” His arms tighten hard around me, banding almost painfully as he sucks in a breath. “Too tight,” I gasp and instantly he pushes me back slightly.
I utter a faint sound of protest, and he pulls me closer. Unable to look into his eyes, I look down at the battered old Converse he wears everywhere and run my fingers over the cotton of his shirt. I feel almost flayed open. I have never been as honest with another person as I have him.
“Gideon,” he says, his voice hoarse. “Look at me,cariad.” My eyes instantly shoot to his and I relax immediately because no one could mistake the love shining back at me. “I love you too,” he says, his Welsh voice soft, devotion running through it. For me. I feel humbled.
“You do?”
He nods. “I do. I have for a long while now.” He cups my cheekbones, his big hands warm on my face, and I realise how cold I’ve felt being away from him today.
“I’m sorry,” I say quickly. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t respond well in Milo’s garden. I was just so shocked and–”
“Ssh,” he says, stroking my hair back. “I know, Gid. You didn’t upset me.”
“Really?” I say doubtfully. His look in that garden has been in my head since I left him there looking like I’d punched him.
He shrugs. “Maybe from now on, though, we work as a team. You don’t have to talk to me immediately, but you do have to tell me that there’s a problem and you want to talk at some point. As long as I know that I can help you, I’m okay with doing it at your pace.” He pauses. “Although maybe not as slow as this time. That was glacier slow.”
I nod quickly. “I promise,” I say. “And, Eli, you have to tell me too.” I fidget with his collar after sneaking a quick look at his calm and merry eyes. “I just want you to be happy and stay with me. That’s all I really want, and I’m not very good at being with people,” I say in a sudden rush. “I don’t spot hurt feelings well, and I know I’m a bastard. I’m opinionated, bossy, and rather cavalier with people’s feelings. I don’t play well with other people. I’m messy, can’t cook properly, and it turns out I’m also rather careless with my money.”
“Hush,” he says, looking like he’s trying not to laugh. “Gid, I know you inside out and I have to say, sweetheart, that’s how you’ve been with other people. Not with us. In all the time I’ve known you, you have never discounted my feelings.”
“Maybe that’s a fluke,” I say, trying for total honesty.
He laughs almost helplessly. “I don’t think it is, but to make really sure, how about we try to help each other?” He sobers. “I have to tell you that I’m incredibly proud of you. You did a very big thing today.”
“Maybe it was only a big thing in my head.” I sigh. “I should have done it fucking years ago.”
