“You can’t let your past interfere with your future,” Leo leaned against the wall as he eyed my little table. He would crush one of my chairs, hells he’d already done it once before. The poor giant had splinters in his ass cheeks for weeks.
“My past is complicated,” I swiped my hands down my jaw. Leo knew it all. Leo was the reason I was still alive. I owed him everything, as well as Alric. I took a deep breath. “You know this.”
“You more than anyone should want the Mage Queen on the throne then,” Leo’s brows tented in the middle of his forehead as concern swirled in his eyes. “She will avenge everything that happened to you.”
“The only way she can avenge me is if she kills me,” my whisper took us both by surprise.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I could tell that even he didn’t believe his words. He tried to make it better by his next words. “It was a long time ago.”
I closed my eyes and let out a breath. “It has consumed my life. The guilt has eaten away at me. I killed them, it was my fault. Every death rests on my shoulders. I should have never told Malya Ender where the rebels were. It’s my fault my parents are dead.”
“You were a young and dumb teenager in love, I’ve known many teenagers that have done stupid things.”
I closed my eyes and pictured each of my family members’ faces. I joined the Fraud Queen’s army to spy and in turn, fell in love with the one woman I was supposed to target. I thought she was different. I thought the rebel’s cause was silly when I fell in love with the woman I wanted her to be. I was blinded by beauty and lies. I thought for sure I could change things. I thought love could change things, how wrong I was.
“Teenagers don’t have their entire families killed for treason.”
CHAPTER TWO
JUNIPER
Spying was something I hadn’t learned and didn’t think I could do until I pressed myself against the wall and listened to Ryven’s heartbreaking tale except he stopped talking and I knew my time of listening was up. I don’t know what force had me pressed against the hall wall listening to him bare his soul to the man that already knew the story but as soon as he was done speaking, I unglued myself from the rocky wall and rushed back to my room. I yanked the blankets back over my body and evened out my breathing even with my heart rate going ninety to nothing. So many questions swirled around in my head as I waited for him to come find me and realize I listened in on something I had no business hearing.
Ryven had been in love with the Fraud Queen. I didn’t know what to think or feel. I thought for sure the only one that went into the fraud empire to spy was Alric. Even more things seemed like a lie now. But of course, they’d hidden it all. When Ryven didn’t open my door and come check on me, I took a deep breath, opened my eyes and slid from the bed. It was time to make my consciousness known.
In a way, I was thankful for the conversation Leo and Ryven had. It took my mind off of what happened in the arena. Iclenched my jaw as I briefly closed my eyes. I couldn’t believe Ryven treated me the way he did. What happened in the arena after my magic though? I didn’t feel any different. I flexed my fingers out in front of me and wondered how I could do it again. In Ryven’s home, I was too afraid to unleash anything like that again. But was I even capable of doing magic again?
Ryven had asked for it though… would it really be that horrible to give him another taste of his own medicine? Was it so horrible to show him I wasn’t this weak little thing? That I wasn’t fragile.
I ran my hands down over my training leathers and grinned to myself. I looked like I belonged here. I looked like Reva, Ash, and Grove. I wished they had been there to see me unleash my power or to at least see Ryven’s face when it all happened.
I slipped from the bed and padded quietly down the hall. I didn’t think I would get lucky to overhear such information again, but I would take what I could get. The home was silent as I entered the kitchen. Leo was gone and Ryven’s face was buried in his hands. I’d never seen him in such a state before. I cleared my throat and he immediately jumped from the table. He smoothed all the emotions from his face and placed his hands behind his back as if he were standing to attention. He blinked a few times before he got down on one knee. His hair fell forward as he bowed to me and I was too stunned to speak.
“My past is riddled with heartache and death. I have made far too many mistakes with you for you to keep me in your employ but I will not lie. I am the best you have. If you are going to go against the fraud empire, I am the only one that can help you win. I am the only one that will get you the crown and your throne.”
I tooka deep breath as I watched him. I still didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t spoken about his mistakes with me so I couldn’t bring any of that up or he would know I’d spied on him. Somehow I felt horrible for it even though I deserved to know, especially if he was going to be my commander. Dizziness overtook me and I had to grip the side of the wall to remain standing.
Mycommander.
Myarmy.
Mykingdom.
I blinked and blinked some more as it all came crashing down around me. I was the queen. I was the Mage Queen.
Ryven unfolded himself from the floor and rushed to my side. He gripped my elbow as he led me to his table and chairs. What did this all mean? When would I have to march to battle? How would I march to battle? I had a whole army at my disposal, but how could I ask them to pretty much forfeit their lives for me? For me?
“Are you okay? Is there anything I can get for you?”
I could hardly hear his words over the rush of blood in my ears. He was to be my dutiful servant now. No longer would we share heated glances. No longer would the tension be there when we each walked into the bathing chamber. Everything that I hoped for with the man before me was stolen. Gone. Stolen so quickly and I didn’t know how to comprehend it all. All the possibilities were taken from me because of my magic. Why couldn’t it have waited just a little while longer? Why couldn’t I have gotten to experience more with him? My heart ached within my chest for everything I would never have known. But it also soared with the possibility of my purpose. I was no longer useless. I no longer needed to float around and find something to do with myself. I was someone. I was a queen.
“Juniper?” Ryven’s voice cut through my thoughts. “Do you need anything?” He frowned. “I’m sorry, I guess I should get used to calling you your proper title. Your Highness.”
No. I didn’t like that. Not at all. Not with Ryven. Not like this. I shook my head. “No, I don’t think so.”
“In public, I must.” His voice sounded so empty of all emotion and I found myself fighting tears. He made me so angry. He pushed me past my limits but whatever he did to my body… to my heart… I needed to figure it out. We couldn’t be stuck in this limbo. We couldn’t just stop. Right?
I nodded my head as my emotions got the best of me and I could no longer be in the same room with him. On wooden legs, I rose from the table and walked to the bathing chamber. He was right on my heels but not for the reasons I so desperately wanted— and needed.
