She was never coming back.
By the time I realized that Arina wasn’t a horrific ghost from my past, the damage was done. All the hatred and fear and shame I’d managed to keep locked up since I joined the Knotty Sideshow exploded, consuming my mind.
It all morphed into rage.
Pure, unfettered rage that bled through my thoughts, and I saw red.
I’d needed her gone before I could do something dangerous. Daze, too.
Neither of them was safe.
The hurt in Daze’s eyes when I told him to leave was obvious, but if I let go of my last thread of restraint, it wouldn’t end well for anyone. He needed to get far away from me, and I’d made sure of it, regardless of how much it hurt him.
He could cry or yell about it later.
He could even hate me.
But this is the way it needs to be.
Heat consumed me, and I couldn’t get my shirt off fast enough. My fingers fumbled over the buttons, and sweat made the material stick to me. I tossed it aside, not caring where it landed. The only thing I could focus on was the fire blazing through me, threatening to incinerate my insides.
I blinked and took a shaky breath, reaching for my belt with trembling hands.
If I didn’t get nakedright fucking now, I was going to combust. I knew it.
After fumbling a bit more, I managed to strip out of my boots and pants. I stood in the middle of the trailer, fighting the haze creeping over my thoughts.
I was losing control, the way I had before.
I need to get ahold of myself.
The air grew thicker, making it more difficult to breathe, and I couldn’t seem to fill my lungs.
The mask.
The thought pierced through my jumbled brain, and I hastily ripped off the metal face piece and threw it aside. It landed with athunkon the floor, and I choked down a desperate breath with my eyes clenched shut. It helped a tiny bit with my clarity but not enough.
I was slipping, and even though I recognized what was happening, I was helpless to stop it.
Stumbling over to the window, I peered outside through the open blinds. I could just make out Daze and Arina trekking across the parking lot, slowly fading into the distance.
An unsettling feeling gripped me, and a growl vibrated in my chest. The longer I watched them, the more intense my conflicting feelings grew. In a flash of fury, I grabbed the blinds and ripped them off the window, tossing them aside in a cacophony of noise.
My mind hazed over, and I took a deep breath, knowing I wasn’t far from going rogue.
No one wanted that.
I especially didn’t want that.
If I succumbed to the darkness buried inside me from my broken mate bond, I would be a danger to everyone. If I slipped into the feral haze always lurking at the edge of my mind, I’d become someone I didn’t recognize. Someone I couldn’t tame.
I watched until Daze and Arina faded into the darkness, and even then, I remained in front of the window. Looking without seeing. Focusing on my breathing. Fighting the fog encroaching on my mind.
I need?—
—get a grip?—
Breathe slow?—
