We could talk eventually but, for now, I wanted—needed—space.
Everything was a fucking mess, but I knew one thing: I was thankful Arina had joined me tonight. She could have gotten angry with me for waking her in the middle of the night, but she didn’t. Or if she was mad, she didn’t show it, and I was still grateful.
I lay in bed for hours, trying to calm my chaotic mind, only to realize I couldn’t do it on my own.
What I needed was a distraction.
I watched as she unlaced her boots and kicked them off before marching over to the ladder. Trying my best not to stare at the way her hips swung when she walked, I slipped off my own shoes and followed behind her. She started up the ladder without a word, scaling the metal rungs and putting distance between her and the ground.
“If I fall, are you going to catch me?” she called over her shoulder.
I laughed. Her falling off the ladder on the way up would be a first—I’d never seen that happen in my years with the circus.
“Sure,” I said as I followed behind her. “But you won’t fall. Just don’t look down.”
When Arina reached the top, she shakily crawled onto the platform, and I could tell her nerves were finally getting the best of her. Her knees wobbled when she tried to stand, so she opted to sit until she got used to the height. I sidled up next to her, draping my legs over the edge, and she timidly joined me moments later, sitting cross-legged instead of letting her feet dangle. Heeding my word, she refused to look down.
“Is this what you wanted to show me?” she asked, gesturing around us to the empty arena. “How easy it is to fall to your death?”
“I mean, I guess you could if you miss the net.” I leaned far enough forward to see the wide, white safety net below us. Arina squeaked and grabbed my shoulder, dragging me back from the edge, which made me laugh. “I’m fine, I promise.”
She huffed as I sat up again. “You’re stressing me out.”
I would really stress her out when I told her the fastest way down was to jump onto the safety net, but I’d break that piece of bad news to her later.
“So, I take it youwon’tbe trying out for the aerialist team anytime soon?” I joked.
She snorted a laugh. “Sorry to disappoint. This is… terrifying. And you do this every weekend?”
“And some weekdays.” I winked at her. “You get used to it. Sometimes, it just takes a while.”
A beat of silence passed, and I stared at her profile. I’d memorized each of her features and spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about them. However, nothing could top seeing them in person.
The soft line of her jaw and her plump, kissable lips. Her wide, gray eyes that reminded me of storm clouds and the way her nose tipped up slightly at the end. Her dark brows, pale skin, and the single freckle on the apple of her cheek.
When she was dolled up with a face full of makeup for the show, she was pretty.
But like this, she was perfect.
“Thanks for hanging with me,” I said, dragging my eyes away from her. I looked out across the arena, wondering what she was staring at. “I really was going to find you earlier. Today was just…”
“It’s okay. Really.” She bumped her arm against mine. “You don't have to explain it to me.”
My insides twisted, churning with the truth I’d been considering for the last several hours.
“That’s the thing, I… want to.” My cheeks heated, and I did my best to shove down the emotion threatening to clog my throat.
Iwantedto tell someone how difficult it was for me to visit my home state and the dark memories it brought up. I wanted to share the weight of the thoughts I carried, to open up about the things I’d kept buried for so long.
And I knew Arina would listen.
She might not understand, but it was something. More than I had currently.
Night would never ask, and if I did open up to him, he wouldn’t care. I’d known him for too long to believe otherwise.
“Well, I’m here to listen,” she said. I looked over to find a smile curving her pouty lips. “However much or little you want to share.”
I ran my tongue over my teeth, contemplating.
