“I’m not making anything hard, it justishard.” I snapped and then immediately covered my face with my hands and groaned. “I’m sorry.” This wasn’t like me, but I was so edgy all the time, and I didn’t know how to make it stop.
“Don’t be sorry. You have absolutely nothing to be sorryabout. You need to yell, shout, break shit—do it. I’m not going anywhere, Sara.” She raised a perfectly waxed brow, promising, “I can take it. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
I think a part of me knew I needed Sloane’s thick skin, and I realized that out of everyone, that’s why I’d calledher.She could handle me being an asshole, and we’d still be fine.
When I pulled my hands down from my face, Sloane was staring at me, and my skin prickled as I saw her make a decision in her eyes. What exactly she’d decided in that moment, I didn’t know, but I immediately went on defense. I suddenly wished I would have called Jules, because not only could Sloane take shit, she could give it too, and I could tell she was just about to fling some right at me. I was about to get a love filled, ass kicking.Fuck.
“Do it, Sara. Dip the brush in and make a stroke on the canvas.” She instructed me firmly.
I scratched my neck. It wasn’t even remotely that simple. “I have to plan, I need to sketch, back paint, prep the canvas.”
“That is not the point of this, and you know it.” She said. “Just put the paintbrush on the canvas. Just one tiny little stroke.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.” She implored, and I couldn’t breathe asI shook my head no, suddenly regretting calling her.“You’re a brilliant artist, Sara. Fucking brilliant. Your mother would want you to keep going.” She pushed harder, and the walls started closing in, and I knew what was coming. I was going to have another panic attack. “Your mother would want?—”
“Well, she’s not here, is she?” I shouted desperately, fighting the cascade of bodily responses that were taking over.Fuckerson, it was happening again.
“How much weight have you lost?” Sloane’s voice was calm, and there was love in her tone but also brutal, stark accountability.
I dropped my gaze, heart racing so fast I felt like I could puke. “I don’t know.”
“How much weight, Sara?”
“I don’t have a scale.” I knew the number.
Sloane’s expression turned both compassionate and terrifying. “You are skin and bones. You are literally starving yourself, and if you keep it up, you’re going to kill yourself. Like actually.” Tears welled up in my eyes as she asked more softly. “Is that what you want? To die?” I honestly didn’t know the answer to that question. I was just so fucking tired, wanted it all to stop. Wished I could tap out for just a minute, just to catch my breath. She didn’t move, and I didn’t move. An invisible string held us exactly where we were. “You have so many people who love you so desperately; all you have to do isletthem love you.”
“I’m alone.” My lower lip quivered.
“You’re not.”
“I am.” I trembled. “You don’t understand. How could you?”
“You’re right. I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I’m here for you anyway. You have Liam, Jules, Ariana.” Sloane laughed. “You haveCadeand Theo, you have your father, your cousins.” And then she added knowingly. “You haveCarter.”
“Carter hasn’t texted me in over a month.” I snapped before I could think better.
“Yes, he has.” She argued, brow arching with skepticism.
“What?”
“Sara, he texts you every day. Texts me,asking ifI’veheard from you. He’s worried, and he cares about you so freaking much. Why are you ignoring his calls again? I thought you two made up?”
“I never got a single call.” I countered quietly, feeling dizzy.
She thought for a moment. “I don’t know. He got a new phone, but he’s been calling and texting you. Every single day, Sara.”
I stared into the paint.
“Choose to live, Sara. Not this shell of a human being, not this strange commitment you have to your own suffering.Choose to live.”
“I am,” I said defensively. “Every day, I drag myself out of my bed when I just want to lay there and rot.”
“And I’m so damn proud of you for that, but it’s not enough. Youhaveto do this. Youhaveto put this paint on the canvas.” She hesitated. “Not for your mother. Foryou. This isyourbig, beautiful life, Sara, and it’s the only one you get.”
My lower lip trembled, but everything else was frozen.
