The sunrise drenching the garden foliage around the cottage with warm morning hues felt horrifying as I frantically turned in every which direction. If someone had forced entry, if they took her, I would have heard, I would have—I whirled, hearing her voice, barely audible above the sound of rushing water.
I sprinted around the back of the cottage and found her sitting in a garden that overlooked a shallow, bubbling stream. “Sara, you scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry.” She murmured, just staring out over the water—I realized it might have actually been quite peaceful back here if I weren’t about to shit myself. “Couldn’t sleep.” She said quietly.
I dragged a hand over my mouth, panting. “Have you been out here all night?”
“Just an hour or so.” She was leaning against a mossy rock, wrapped in a tight ball with her chin on her knees.
Hands on my hips, I stared up into the gently swaying trees above me. “I didn’t hear you get up.”
“You looked so exhausted. I didn’t want to wake you.” She ran her finger over the tiny hearts adorning the pale pink pajamas she was wearing.
A tight silence hanging between us, I couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Sara, listen, I have some?—”
“Please don’t.” She murmured, cutting me off gently. “Whatever speech you have planned, it’s fine. We really don’t need to do this.”
I rounded the front of her, blocking her view. “Yes, we do.”
She didn’t look at me, but her voice was firm. “I appreciate everything you did back there, and I’m really glad you’re okay, that we both are, but it doesn’t change anything forus.”
“Actually, I think it changeseverything.” I tried to explain, but she didn’t bother wasting a response as she played with a strand of grass. “I just need you to hear me out.” I begged.
She still didn’t look at me, but she was quietly determined all the same. “I’m sorry that’s whatyouneed, but when you ended this relationship, my priority stopped being your needs. Now I need to worry about myself.”
“Yeah, but that’s the thing?—”
“You’re not listening.” Her voice sparked a little. “You don’t get to say the things you said—to treat me the way you did—and then pretend that a few nice words will make everything all better.”
“I’m not trying to do that at all. I’m trying to explain, if you’d let me.”
“Is that what you’re trying to do?” She laughed humorlessly.
“I get it, you’ve been through a lot.”
“That is exactly what I said to you.” Heat swirled in her eyes as she finally looked up at me.
“Sar,” I begged. “Please.”
She pushed up and brushed herself off, bringing us chest to chest as she looked up at me, eyes suddenly filled with no emotion at all. “You decided you didn’t want me, Carter. You did that. Not me. And that means you don’t get unfettered access to me anymore.” She started back down the narrow path into the cottage, and I watched her walk away, realizing she was taking our future with her.
I burst into the cottage a moment after she did. “Carter.” She groaned. “Please, I’m exhausted, and I don’t have the energy for this.”
This time I demanded, because I clearly had nothing left to lose, “Just hear me out.” I begged, because even if she still didn’t take me back, she deserved to know the truth—that there was nothing wrong with her. God, the fact that I even had to set that straight—I didn’t deserve her, but that wasn’t going to stop me from trying to win her back anyway.
Sara straightened, but didn’t say anything.
Fuck. This was do or die. Everything had to go on the table.
“I didn’t mean any of it.” I started totally ineloquently. She scoffed, and I could hardly fucking breathe. “I did it to protect you.” A bigger eye roll from her and I clenched my teeth as my eyes watered against my will. “Sar, the people that took you—they killed my parents.” She stilled as my voice broke, her expression shifting in an instant, because that’s just who she was. “Theymurderedmy mother because of what my father did.” Her eyes softened a bit more as I barreled on. “When my jet was going down, I thought it was over for me, and in those last moments, I wondered if it would break you—my death. After everything you went through with your mother, and how hard that was on you—I was terrified of what the news would do to you, but selfishly, in those final seconds—I kept thinking I was so glad I saidI love you,because you said it back. I knew I was going to die, but it broughtme so much peace to know you loved me back, that I’d been loved by someone who was better than I’d ever deserve.”
She looked like she pitied me, but she shook her head. “If you really meant that, you wouldn’t have pushed me away when it mattered most.”
“They threatened to kill you, Sara. In hindsight, the way I handled everything was incredibly stupid, but you were right, my brain was all fucked up. I thought I was doing the right thing—I thought if I could pretend you didn’t matter to me that they’d leave you alone, that you’d besafe.After what they did to me, what theytookfrom me—part of me wanted to die, Sara.” My confession hung in the air as I gasped for breath. “I just didn’t see a way through, and I was so angry. I still am. I just didn’t want to burn it all down and let you get caught in the crossfire.”
“Carter,” she scolded, with nothing but concern in her eyes.
“Do you know what it’s like not being able to do the thing you love most? Being separated from the thing that defines you?” Even saying it out loud made me feel sick.
