The look. On his. Face.
Jealous Carter wasn’t on my bingo card, but damn if I wasn’t happy to check off that box anyway.
I grabbed the cat ears off the nightstand and fiddled with them, trying to decide if I should tell Carter what actually happened or if that would ruin the mood. “Why do you want to know?” I mused, watching him carefully. “Would you care if I had?”
“Hewas looking at you like he’d slept with you.” Carter glowered. “Andyou,on the other hand, did not seem to share that same enthusiasm.”Always so perceptive.
“I didn’t sleep with him.” I said smugly, shoving what I was really feeling down even harder.
Carter’s eyes narrowed, not buying it for a second. “So tell meyour truth.” He drummed his fingers on his arm patiently. “What happened between the two of you?”
I stared at him for a long while before I finally dropped my gaze to the floor. “He befriended me when I was at my lowest this summer, and let’s just say he only had one thing in mind.”
“And what exactly was that?”
“I think you can guess.” I slid the headband into my hair and cocked my head against my shoulder flirtatiously before I leaned back on my elbows, trying not to think about it.
“I can guess a lot of things, but this isn’t a guessing game.” Carter hummed with a subtle smirk, clearly amused with the cat ears. “Youpicked truth, so let’s hear it.”
“He wanted to be friends with benefits, and I—” Friends withfinancial benefits, is what I didn’t say because I couldn’t bear to admit that humiliating little detail. How to put the whole thing delicately? “I didn’t know I didn’t want it—until I knew, I didn’t want it.”
“Care to elaborate?” Carter asked darkly.
“Not particularly.” I avoided his gaze, suddenly feeling less into my game than I had a moment ago.
“Well, there’s only one thing I need to know.” His tone eased up because he noticed me withdraw, because of course he did.
“What’s that?” I asked, fiddling with my new necklace. His eyes tracked the movement.
“Do I need to bury him in a dark hole where no one will ever find him?”
I scoffed, wondering if he actually would. “I’ll let you know when I decide.” There was so much context I could add. About how I thought Carter was ignoring me, so I had tried to move on, albeit very unsuccessfully, but I didn’t say any of that, because it would have been humiliating to admit. “It’s really not that big of a deal.” I tried to shrug it off, tried to convince myself of that fact just as much as him.
“It’s a big deal tome,” Carter said quietly. “I don’t want to hurt you, and if I don’t know where your wounds are, I might.”
“Carter.” I sucked in a small breath at the devastation in his voice, the fear there. “You have nothing to worry about.” He nodded once, but didn’t say anything.
So I offered him a tiny piece of the truth. “I was lonely, and we kissed. He was moving faster than I was comfortable with, so I left, and then things were really fucking awkward after that.” I left out the most horrifying bits because it was humiliating—the fact that I hadn’t seen straight through it. I should have known better.
“And are things moving too fast for you now?” Carter asked gently, and I could tell he had this messed up idea in his head that he was the bad guy in all this, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth—he seemed to completely miss the fact that I was desperate for him, and that I always had been.
I swallowed hard, not sure what I was so afraid of as I looked Carter square in his kind, patient, brown eyes, and decided maybe I could admit this to him, and everything would be alright. ThatIwould be alright if I unburied one of my dirty little secrets.
I didn’t give myself time to second-guess as I threw myself off the ledge and hoped he’d catch me. “You don’t get it. It wasn’t just that he was moving too fast, Carter.” My voice wavered, but I kept going. “I told him to stop multiple times, and he didn’t. Nothing happened exactly, but I had to shove him off me, and it fucking sucked.” Carter’s eyes shuttered, his knuckles going white as he gripped the dresser so hard it groaned, but I kept going. “The worst part is, I wasn’t even into him. I was just lonely and confused. The day he met me, I was literally lying in the middle of a sidewalk on campus, crying.” I admitted against my better judgment and immediately hated how heartbroken Carter looked at that. “Sad, lonely, vulnerable girls are apparently his type.” I added quietly while I anxiously fiddled with a single sequin on the cat ears, wondering if I had it in me to admit the rest.
“Is that whatI’mdoing?” Carter asked warily. “Are you sad and lonely, and I’m taking advantage of you when you just need a good friend?”
I looked at Carter for a good long while and then huffed out a frustrated noise. “Why do you always think you’re the bad guy?”
“Maybe I am.”
“You’re not.”
His eyes dragged over me, making my skin heat. “I’m no better than?—”
“You’re better than everyone.” I quietly cut him off. “You’re my best friend, and no, a friend is not the only thing I need. What I need—” I huffed, knowing I should keep my mouth shut, but he had me all worked up and I couldn’t think straight, so I hid behind my eyelids.
“Tell me. Whatever it is, I’ll give it to you.” He said earnestly.
