“You mean to tell me, you had the opportunity to get The Answer to life’s ultimate question, and you chose not to?”
I can understand her reaction. Who wouldn’t want to know what happens when we die? It’s a mystery that not even those with the most money can solve. The great equalizer. But she’s missing the point. “I was still in the house that I built,my belongings were here, and I had peace and quiet. There’s nothing else I wanted.”
She chuckles, the sound making my skin prickle with need. “Okay, fair. But what about–”
“My wife?”
She nods, biting her lip as if she regrets asking.
“I haven’t told you how she died, have I?”
“No, and I didn’t want to ask.”
I take her hand, lacing my fingers through hers. “It’s okay. She, um,”––I swallow the lump in my throat––“she died during childbirth. It was a long, difficult pregnancy. Susanna hated every minute of it. She needed a child to keep her inheritance, but she never actually wanted to be a mother. Most of the time while she was pregnant, she would scream at me for being the cause of her discomfort. For getting her pregnant, even though that’s the only reason she married me…why she chose me at all. I would cook for her, offer to rub her feet, massage her shoulders, and no matter what I did, she pushed me away.
“I felt helpless. I couldn’t take her pain from her, and she wouldn’t allow me to be the husband I wanted to be. Then, when my son emerged from her body, I saw her smile for the first time in months. The joy she radiated stole my breath. It was brief. So brief that I thought I was dreaming. But it was there, and it was real. She was delighted to meet her son. Proud of what we made.”
My palms begin to sweat as I relive that day. The worst day of my existence. “She wanted to hold Daniel, but the doctor wouldn’t let her. There was so much blood. Too much. He couldn’t stop it.” I don’t notice the tear running down my cheek until Natalie gently wipes it away. “She never,” I pause, needing to catch my breath, “got to hold him. I think she would’ve been a good mother, if she had gotten the chance. It’s not what she wanted at first, but she would’ve found her footing if she hadlived. Susanna hated me, but she loved our baby boy. I know she did. I could see it in the way she looked at him.” Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I do believe that.
Natalie sniffles, and squeezes my hand, letting me know she’s got me.
“Daniel died two hours later. He had trouble breathing right when he entered the world, and it never ceased. The doctor did what he could. There were times during that excruciating two-hour period, when I was a newly widowed single father, praying to god and the rest of the deities to keep my son alive, that it sounded like Daniel had taken a normal breath. A shallow, quiet little breath. It was a sliver of hope. My heart felt like it was going to thump its way out of my body with how much hope I had, but then the doctor would hear a wheeze with his stethoscope or Daniel’s skin would get this blue tint to it, and I would shatter all over again. Eventually, the breathing stopped altogether, and he was gone.”
“Winston, I’m so sorry,” Natalie says, swiping at her wet cheeks. “I don’t know what to say.”
I press a kiss to her hair. “You don’t have to say anything. I’ve been living with this for a long time.”
“No, that’s not what I mean.” She grabs my chin, forcing me to look into her rich brown eyes. I feel lost in them, but at the same time, safe. Like I’m falling into their depths, knowing my landing will be soft and warm. “That’s why you didn’t open the door, isn’t it?”
I almost forgot why I started telling her this story. “Yeah,” I reply, my voice hoarse and shaky. “Even if they are on the other side of it, they don’t want me there.”
“How can you say that?” Natalie’s tone is harsh, as if she’s offended I would even consider such a thing.
“She hated me, Natalie.”
She flinches at the boom of my voice, and I feel sick for yelling at her. Here she is trying to comfort me, and I’m fucking it all up. My chest heaving, I say quietly, “I was nothing to her, okay? And Daniel,” I pause, my voice cracking with emotion, “I couldn’t keep him alive for a single day. If they’re out there, whereverthereis, they should be together…without me.”
We sit there for a while, staring at each other, tears streaming down our cheeks, saying nothing. I’m too afraid of what might come out of her mouth next, so I revel in the silence. Does she agree with me? Is she starting to look at me the way Susanna did? Am I nothing more than a pile of inadequacies in the shape of a man?
I don’t know how much time passes, but eventually, I press my hand to her forehead and tell her I want to recheck her temperature.
“It’s 102.1,” I tell her when it beeps. “Going down. That’s good.”
I busy myself with refilling her glass of water, getting her a fresh, cold washcloth for her head, and giving her a dose of the extra-strength flu medication I found in Penelope’s medicine cabinet. When I return to her side, her eyes are puffy from crying, and her lids are heavy with exhaustion.
“You need to sleep, Natalie.”
As I rise to my feet, her hand latches onto my wrist. “Lay with me.” I’ve never seen such a serious look on her face.
“I wasn’t planning on leaving.”
“Good.” She lifts the sheet on my side of the bed, patting the open spot. “Take off those clothes first.”
“Uh.” Is she serious? She can’t possibly want to dothatright now, can she? “As much as I’d like to ravish you right now, you need rest.”
“What? No. You’re like a giant ice pack. I need you against me. I’m still burning up over here.”
That makes more sense. Deeply disappointing, but certainly the more rational explanation for the request. I do as I’m told, stripping down to my underwear before sliding in next to her. She wraps herself around me, her leg thrown over mine, her cheek pressed against my bare chest, and her hand featherlight on my stomach. She fits perfectly against me, her softness pressed against my hard edges.
