“Hey, peanut gallery.” I jab his thigh with my toe. “Do you want me to continue or not?”
He nods, and I flip the page to the next bookmarked entry. Reading these entries today, I easily transport myself back in time. When I wrote these entries, I never planned on sharing them with anyone, especially the man who mainly centers around every entry.
This next entry is quite embarrassing.
“Dear Diary,
Movies lie! They show first kisses are perfect and not awkward. I feel like he was trying to check my tonsils with his tongue, not to mention his breath tasted like the chili dog he had eaten just before. GROSS! This isn’t something I can talk to Mom about without her making a big deal. I thought I was going to die when she had to teach me about my period and tampons. Maybe I can ask Matilda? Isn’t that what big sisters are for? Although it’s kind of gross knowing that her advice would be from experience with my brother. And where the heck were the fireworks or the famous movie foot pop? I bet if Rhyland would have been my first kiss, there would have been both. And since he is always chewing on those mints he loves, he would also have fresh breath. Will I always compare every guy to him? I’m not dumb to think that one day he might kiss me besides my cheek or the top of my head, but hey, there’s always my dreams.
Talk Soon! Love, Payton.”
It’s funny to think that this version of myself never thought he would ever kiss me, yet here he is, confessing that he’s in love with me. Gah, if only my younger self had known the future.
This time in between entries, Rhy remains quiet, as if he’s taking in every word I wrote and trying to process them.
“Dear Diary,
Today is Ollie’s prom. Why am I wasting my breath to talk about it? Well, that means it was also Rhyland’s. Ollie called himself a penguin and looked as comfortable as a stick in the mud in it. Rhy, however, looked like Prince Charming. He looked so good in a tux. I mean, he looks great in everything he wears, but this time—HOLY HOTNESS BATMAN!”
I can hear his chuckle and feel his gaze, but I refuse to lift my eyes to meet his.
“For a moment, I allowed myself to pretend that he was here to take me to prom and we could have a totalShe’s All Thatmoment where the ugly duckling turns into the hottie and gets the popular guy in the end. But then his date showed up, and I want to trip her in her stupid stripper-looking heels.
All I wanted to do was to get away and hide in my room. But Mom wouldn’t let me. Couldn’t she see that my heart was breaking with every picture taken with his arm around her or every smile he gave in her direction? I know I should get over my crush on him, but it’s not as easy as it sounds when I’ve basically spent my entire life in love with him.
Mom is calling me so we can go get pizza! I plan to eat my feelings.
Talk Soon! Love, Payton.”
I turn to the last flagged entry. This one is the most vulnerable of all my entries. It wasn’t long after this one that I had stopped writing.
I stare down at the words on the page, and tears fill my eyes.
“Hey,” Rhy says, closing the distance between us so that he is right beside me. He moves the diary to his lap so it’s face down. “You don’t need to keep going.”
I shake my head. “No, I can do it. This entry, though, it’s the last one but opens old wounds. But I want to read it to you, okay?”
He nods and hands me back the book. When he goes to move back to his spot on the couch, where I had told him to sit, I realize I don’t want him all the way over there. I want him right here, so I reach out and grab his hand, keeping him by my side. He flips our hands and links his fingers with mine.
I ignore the “Dear Diary” title because I’m sure he gets the point. I close my eyes and take a few calming, deep breaths.
“He’s gone.”The grip he has on my hand tightens when he realizes what this entry must be about.“Today we buried my dad and said goodbye.”My voice trembles, but I power through.
“I don’t really understand why they call the funeral saying goodbye. It’s not like he could say goodbye back. Since the day we lost him, all I’ve felt is emptiness. Mom has been a hot mess, and who can blame her when the other half of her soul is now gone. Archer and Ollie have both been so focused on her and managing arrangements for the funeral. But don’t they get that I’m hurting, too? Does that make me selfish?
But when I maybe look back on this entry one day, I don’t want to remember the pain and the tears. I want to remember that while darkness surrounded me, trying to fathom a world where my dad is no longer in it, there was one person who saved me. I felt like I was drowning in grief, and he reached a hand to pull me out—Rhyland. There will never be a day that he understands what he means to me and especially what that moment meant to me. Thank God, he won’t ever read this diary. When I was in his arms outside by the swings, the world stopped. It was no longer a world without my dad, but a world where I had him. Even if just for a moment, he made the noise silent. I could forget everything we’d been through the last few days. And for that, I will forever be grateful.
Talk Soon, Love, Payton.” I whisper through falling tears and close the book, keeping it in my lap as an anchor.
Tears fill Rhy’s eyes, and he remains silent.
“Reading this book earlier reminded me you’ve always grounded me. Instead of running away earlier to think, I should have been running to you, into your arms. You’re my sounding board, my lifeline, my anchor.”
A tear finally slips down his cheek.
“So you can’t tell me I don’t have to tell you I love you because this book is proof that I’ve loved you since before I even knewwhat the word ‘love’ truly even meant. And I will say it every day to you until my last breath.”
Rhyland settles in between my legs as I cup his cheeks. “I love you, Ryland Cole.”
