“Panic attack?” he asked, and she nodded, relief sweeping through her at being understood. “Okay, okay, we’ve got this. Me and you, yeah, just like when we were kids. We’re going to sit you down and we’re going to breathe it out, okay?”
She nodded again; already the pain inside her ribs was beginning to ease; Ryan was her refuge. Ryan motioned to Benj who nodded once and went on ahead.
“Hold on,” he said quietly, as he bent forward, threaded one arm behind her knees and lifted her into a bridal hold. He walked briskly and she kept her head buried in his chest as he carried her. She was vaguely aware of twisting and turning, and of something like foliage brushing against her, but she didn’t have enough focus for anything other than not completely freaking out right now. All the time Ryan kept up a soothing, repetitive mantra, “I’ve got you. You’re okay. I’ve got you.”
In a few moments she was being set gently down uponFather Christmas’s giant throne and Rab was tucking a furry throw around her shoulders.
“Hey there, Freddie,” said Rab, gently. “Benj has just gone to make some tea.” Then, to Ryan, he said, “Shall I give you a minute?”
“Please,” he replied. Ryan knelt before her and took her cold hands in his.
Her fingers were tingly, but her window of vision was beginning to widen.
“Okay, Fred”—his voice was calm and gentle—“we’re going to make this go away. Look at me.”
It was hard to focus on anything when you were drowning, but she did as she was asked. Ryan’s eyes were the daylight drawing her to the surface, his voice was the guide rope gently reeling her home.
“All we’re going to do is breathe. In. And out. In. And out.” He kept saying the words, breathing slowly as he did so, following his own instructions.
After a couple of minutes, Fred was able to follow his instructions too. She concentrated on copying him, piggybacking her own breaths on his, until eventually she was back in control of herself. The panic attack had passed, leaving her shaky and wiped out but filled with an immense sense of relief to find herself back in the light.
Benj and Rab slipped quietly in, to rest a mug of hot sweet tea and a tub of Lebkuchen beside her, and then stole quietly back out.
“How are you feeling now?” asked Ryan.
She took a breath, liking the sensation of air inflating her lungs. “Better. Thanks,” she said, quietly.
“Any idea what brought it on?”
“I was saying goodbye to Warren, and…” She didn’t want to go into the details. “And something about the way he behaved reminded me of how Tim used to get, and I guess I just started to spiral. Stupid really.”
“It’s not stupid. It sounds like you were having a trauma response.”
“Yeah.” She nodded. There was no point in denying it. This was her; this was the baggage she came with. Maybe she wouldn’t always carry it, but for now, this was it.
“Can I ask what he did?” Ryan’s jaw was set.
“He didn’tdoanything. It was more nuanced than that.” She tried to think how to describe it, without putting herself back there. “I guess it was his attitude. Or something? It put me right back in that headspace, I felt that same rising dread that I used to have when I knew I’d done something to upset Tim.”
Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ryan’s jaw tick. He sucked in a long slow breath through his nose.
“But Warren realized that I was upset, and he apologized,” she added quickly. “His pride got dented, and he threw some passive-aggressive shade my way instead. He probably didn’t expect it to land as hard as it did.”
Ryan muttered under his breath, “Yeah, right.”
Rab and Benj—who had clearly been listening at the door, in case they were needed—came back in and took seats in the grotto. It was surprisingly crowded in FatherChristmas’s sitting room with all four of them in there, but Fred found it immensely comforting to be surrounded by the Frost brothers.
“How are you feeling?” Rab asked her.
“Better.” She smiled. “And a bit stupid.”
“Nothing stupid about panic attacks,” said Benj. “Fucking terrifying things.”
“You too?” she asked, surprised.
“Yes. Unfortunately, they also come in six-foot fisherman size.”
“Sorry,” she said. “That sucks.”
