“It’s not about me,” Bea whispered. “I can’t make Christian move back to London. I think he is happy here, far from all the rumor and scandal. How could I ask him to return to London and be miserable just because I want to go see a few paintings?”
Matilda felt tears sting her eyes. Very slowly, so that she would not startle the girl, she leaned her head against Bea’s legs.
“He’s stronger than you think,” she said quietly. “You do not have to fight his battles too. Only your own.”
And though she meant it for Beatrice, her mind spun round to her twin. How often, these last years, had they tried to fight one another’s battles? How many times had she tried to protect Margo—earnest, generous, wild Margo—from the judgment of others?
And Margo had tried to protect her in return, in her own impulsive fashion.
The last tangled knots of resentment and betrayal inside her suddenly came loose. It seemed to Matilda that she had been carrying something heavy and painful in her chest, a hot brick from the hearth, and she had just this instant realized she could set it down.
Margo had not asked to be protected. Margo was tough and brave, and all that open-hearted affection made her vulnerable—but it also made her resilient.
And perhaps Matilda too was more resilient than she’d known.
Perhaps if she tried with Bea and Christian—and failed—she would not fall apart. It would be worth it, in the end, because she had loved them. Even if it was not reciprocated. Perhaps loving them was enough.
“I will consider it,” Bea said softly. “Maybe in the spring—when the kittens are old enough to go—” There was a long, long pause. “I will consider it.”
And Matilda thought there were all kinds of bravery.
After dinner, Mrs. Perkins led Matilda to a different bedchamber, one where no cat had despoiled the bedding.
“I suppose the bedchambers will be next on your agenda,” Mrs. Perkins said, her face impassive. “To decorate, I mean. The sitting rooms belowstairs are looking better already.”
Thus far, the sitting rooms looked much as they’d looked before, only with less medieval weaponry decorating the walls, but Matilda appreciated the sentiment.
“Yes,” she said, looking about the ominously shadowed, slightly moth-eaten chamber, “on to bedrooms.”
“I ought to show you his lordship’s bedchamber, then.” Mrs. Perkins’s voice was utterly bland, her hands linked behind her back.
Matilda blinked. “I, er—”
She was not quite sure what to say. Did she really want the temptation of knowing precisely where Christian slept? Could sheresistsuch a temptation?
Yes, she did, and no, she could not.
But before she could finish her sentence, Mrs. Perkins added, “I suppose I don’t need to show you. It’s just across the hall. You might peek in now, while he’s in his study, and see what changes you might make in there.”
“Oh,” Matilda said blankly.
“I can’t spare the time to join you just now,” Mrs. Perkins said. “But the door won’t be locked.”
Matilda tried not to gape. Had Mrs. Perkins invited her to make herself at home in Christian’sbedroom?
The housekeeper’s long face was as stoic as ever as she made her way to the door of Matilda’s new chamber. But as she moved into the hallway, she tipped her head toward the heavy oak door directly across from Matilda’s. And then, quite before Matilda realized what had happened, Mrs. Perkins winked.
Chapter 16
When he entered his bedchamber shortly after dinner, Christian was engaged in a pitched mental battle over whether or not to seek out Matilda.
Do not go look for her, you lecherous bastard,argued his ethics, his honor, and the craven part of him that flickered to life whenever he thought about how deep his feelings toward her ran.
But every other part of him said,Go.His brain and his cock and his goddamned heart said,Find her. Figure out how to make her stay.
But as it turned out, he did not have to find her. When he entered his chamber, Matilda was already there, sitting cross-legged on his bed, a folded sheet of paper in her lap. He took her in: red hair and white chemise and golden freckles in the firelight.
And his foolish heart and his idiotic cock leapt at the sight of her.
