Something was off.It had been off for a while, Kieran knew, but this was the most pronounced it had ever been.
Maybe he’s just nervous about what he wants to talk about,Kieran thought.It could be something positive.
As Kieran neared the end of his ramen, Ash broke the silence.“I forgot to ask—how’s everything in the apartment?”
Kieran deflated.If Ash kept stalling, Kieran would have to lie down and stare at a wall for a few hours.
“Great,” Kieran said, voice coming out a bit more cutting than he intended.His fingers tightened around his chopsticks, and heaverted his eyes.“It’s great.I get to spend my days watching my sister and my best friend be madly in love with each other while you and I haven’t so much as talked in amonth.Nothing makes a house a home like burning jealousy, right?”
Ash’s fake smile finally faltered.Kieran hadn’t realized how red his own face had become, and how his heart sped up as he ranted.He tried to even out his breathing and avert his eyes while Ash studied his expression.The other boy let out a sigh.
“Look,” Ash said, nervously fiddling with his napkin in his lap.“Kieran, this is…part of the reason I wanted to talk.”
Kieran’s stomach dropped.Shit, shit, shit.
“Sometimes it feels like all we talk about is Briar and Delilah,” Ash explained, his voice weak.Kieran’s eyebrows shot up as Ash added, “Because you can’t stop comparing our relationship to theirs.Hell, you can’t stop comparingyourselfto them—to everyone, really.”
Kieran blinked.He didn’t know how to respond.If he was being honest with himself, he did, perhaps, have a tendency to compare himself to others, but that wasn’t his fault.The Pelumbras always held themselves to high standards.A Pelumbra was supposed to be the smartest, most attractive, and most powerful witch in any given room.To be anything less than that reflected weakness.And because of his former curse, he’d spent far too much of his life being seen as weak.
“So…what?”he finally replied.“You want me to not talk about them so much?”
“No, Kieran, I—”
“Because—listen—I can work on it—but sometimes it’s hard when—”
Ash blurted, “I think we need to take a break, Kieran.”
The entire world screeched to a halt.For a beat, Kieran just stared at him.Ash refused to look at him, instead staring into his empty ramen bowl as if he might discover in it a portal out of the restaurant.
Kieran’s ears rang, and his entire body went numb.Throat dry, he croaked, “Abreak?”
“That’s why I wanted to meet up,” Ash said after another pause, doing his best to look anywhere but into Kieran’s eyes.“I think we both need to reevaluate this relationship.Just…take a step back and really think about what we want.Because if you’re stuck on being the same as Briar and Delilah, this is never going to work.I can’t be what you want.”
“Wait, hold on, I never said I wanted—”
“I’ll need a few weeks before we talk it over.”Ash set his napkin on the table and stood up.“Until then, let’s not make this harder than it needs to be.I should get going.”
“Ash, wait!Can’t we just—?”
“Goodbye, Kieran.”
The other boy shrugged on his coat, and all Kieran could do was watch him leave the restaurant and disappear into the snow.
Kieran remained at the table for so long, staring blankly into space, that eventually an employee came over to ask if he was okay.After muttering something about being fine, he stood.His knees felt like jelly, barely able to support him.Numb, he pulled on his coat and wound his scarf around his face.
This has to be a nightmare,he thought as he headed to the door, pushing through to outside.A gale of snowy wind immediately hit him, and he winced.A really cold nightmare.
A thick layer of snow had covered the street in the last hour.The sidewalks were empty, the only sound on the wind the distant ding of the trolley bell.It was eerie to see downtown so empty, and a shiver—half from cold and half from trepidation—ran down Kieran’s spine.He hunched, arms crossed to try to keep the heat in.Snowflakes hit his exposed nose and stung the bare skin until it turned red.Each step felt like a battle.It didn’t help that Kieran had gone out in a pair of leather loafers, which were now soaked through and almost certainly ruined.
However, none of that could pierce the words playing on repeat in Kieran’s mind:Let’s not make this harder than it needs to be.
Kieran winced.Ash hadn’t even given him a chance to explain himself.How long had he been considering this?Weeks?Months?They hadn’t been speaking for a while, but still.Kieran had truly thought it was just because Ash was busy, not because he needed to reevaluate their relationship.
The back of Kieran’s throat tightened.Tears welled in his eyes.
I’m a fool,he thought, sniffling.He wiped his nose, and his sleeve came away damp.A stupid, self-centered fool.Maybe I don’t deserve Ash.
Maybe I don’t deserve anyone.
