“Some things are universal.” His stare returned to mine. “What he sounded like to me was a man obsessed, and that is not the same thing as love.”
“Do they have to be mutually exclusive?” I questioned. “Because I’m obsessed with you, and I love you.”
He stared at me.
I sighed as my attempt to lighten the mood failed. “I understand.”
“You do?”
I did.
“You want to believe another way will work. If our positions were flipped, so would I,” I said. “But that’s not our reality. This is. We have to agree on that. Okay?”
Another stretch of silence passed before he nodded.
I thought his acquiescence would bring me some relief, but it didn’t. Tension had entrenched itself into my very core and didn’t ease, even when he tugged me to his chest. The taste of his lips and the feel of him when he rolled me beneath him, didn’t extinguish the tension slowly growing into dread. Because even though he’d nodded, I saw the truth in his eyes and the set of his features.
And, gods, as I clung to him, kissing him just as fiercely as he did me, I loved him for it. Loved him so much. But I also feared what I saw.
Casteel hadn’t acquiesced, and if he tried to prevent me from getting to Kolis or attempted to do so himself, it would end in disaster.
In death and destruction.
I’ve always been with you.
I woke with a start, my heart thumping as my gaze fixed on the darkened canopy overhead.
The nightmare wasn’t like those I had of Lockswood, where it felt like I was reliving the night. This clung to me in fragments—flashes of gold bars, a cold touch, and his voice.
Kolis’s.
A shiver coursed through me. Dragging in a shaky breath full of Casteel’s pine and lush spice scent, I turned my head to the right. He lay on his back, the arm closest to me tossed above him, and his head turned slightly away. The blanket was gathered around his hips, leaving his upper body bare. I watched his chest rise and fall in a slow, deep rhythm.
I wanted to get as close to him as possible, snuggle up to his side, but I knew it would wake him if I did. He needed his sleep. The fact that my nightmare hadn’t woken him was proof of that. So, I resisted planting myself against him.
My gaze lifted to his face. The striking planes and lines of his features were smooth. The only time he ever looked vulnerable—even somewhat mortal—was when he slept. That hadn’t changed, even though the Joining had changed him in ways we couldn’t have anticipated.
Letting out a slow, even breath, I lifted my gaze to the canopy above again. Had it even been a nightmare? Was it a memory?
My heart turned over heavily. Was that what it was? Broken pieces of a memory and not a nightmare?
Stop it, I ordered myself. Immediately, something worse invaded my thoughts.
ThemessageValyn had shared with me.
Refuse and serve beneath him.
The disgust I’d felt rolling off Casteel’s father now swirled inside me, making my skin feel slick and oily. I wanted to chalk it up to a crude threat meant to unsettle me, but it was so similar to what Lady Hawley had taunted. And here I’d thought what she said was the worst. To serve at Kolis’s feet.
I would do neither.
I would do what was required.
Kill him.
And soon.
Thank the gods Valyn hadn’t said that in front of Cas. If he had, the conversation we’d had before going to sleep never would’ve happened. No one would have to worry about me being the one to shadowstep to Pensdurth.
