The skin around Poppy’s eyes crinkled as she laughed. “Of course.” She lifted her arms and then remembered she still held a dagger with a very sharp, dangerous point.
“Here.” I took it from her and secured it to the strap across my chest. Hopefully, the damn shirt wouldn’t rip down the center and expose my skin to the bone.
Stepping back, I watched Seraphena envelop Poppy in a hug. It did look a little stiff, but notthatawkward. I realized then that this was the first time I’d seen Poppy embraced by someone who shared her familial blood. And fuck if that didn’t do something to my chest.
And make me think of Malik.
I was done with that shit: the distrust and lingering feelings of betrayal despite knowing what had driven his actions. None of it mattered. It sounded unbelievable, but I was just…over it. Maybe it hadn’t happened instantly but rather had been happening since I’d learned why.
They parted, but Seraphena held on to Poppy’s hands. “You’re not alone in this. You will have our support, and I will see you again. Hopefully, with Millicent.”
Poppy nodded.
Seraphena stepped back, her gaze turning to me. “And you.”
I raised my brows.
“Take care of her.”
I lifted my chin as I spoke the vow I was willing to fulfill, “With my sword and my life.”
POPPY
As fast as the Queen of the Gods had arrived, she was gone, her lingering presence—warm like the summer sun—slowly fading.
“Poppy,” Casteel said softly. I couldn’t pull my gaze from where she’d last stood. “I cannot imagine what you must be thinking or feeling,” he continued.
“Neither can I,” I said and then let out a short laugh. It sounded silly, but it was true.
Thoughts kept coming, one after another, and I didn’t really know what I was feeling because I felt so much. I was happy I’d met her, grateful that she seemed fond of me, and that I liked her as a person. I appreciated her capacity for caring for others who weren’t of her blood, her fierceness, and, yeah, even the fact that she had apparently stabbed Nyktos at some point.
It made me feel less…murderous.
I was relieved that she sounded like she would be there for us—for me—in whatever capacity she could. I also felt a yearning to spend more time with her. To get to know Seraphena better. And that led me to want to get to know my father. And Millicent, too. Because maybe, just maybe, Ires could start to feel like a father to me. And maybe I would like Millicent, and she would like me.
After losing Ian, I realized how badly I needed that.
So, there was hope when it came to forging a relationship with Seraphena—with all of them.
But it was all dampened by what she’d told me about Sotoria. It even overshadowed the sorrow I felt for Jadis, which made me feel selfish. But I’d just learned that I had lived and died who knew how many times all because of Kolis. I couldn’t dwell on that. Couldn’t even begin to untangle how it made me feel. Because I suspected that I would no longer feel numb or detached from those lives—Sotoria’s past—and it would…it wouldwreckme if I felt it all.
I couldn’t afford that.
But the knowledge that the Joining would not offer the protection we believed? My stomach twisted into tighter knots.
I loathed what that made me feel. It was the same nearly all-consuming emotion I’d felt when I realized Kolis had killed Rhahar with his will alone.
And I couldn’t feel that.
I had to be brave. Fearless.
Feeling Casteel’s intense stare, I took Seraphena’s advice and willed my shields in place. I had no idea if they worked, but the knots in my stomach loosened a bit, and my racing thoughts calmed, allowing me to do what Cas and Kieran were so damn good at. I prioritized what I needed to be concerned with and placed the past I couldn’t remember at the very bottom—or tried to.
I failed.
Because my very next thought proved I had no idea how to do that.
I’m Sotoria.
