Casteel moved his hand to mine, stilling my fingers. Only then did I realize I had been twisting the edge of the napkin. My eyes lifted to his.
“They are not Ian,” he said softly.
Air fled my lungs, and my heart twisted. Gods, was that it? Wasthatwhy I was having such a hard time coming to a decision? When I thought of the Ascended, were my first thoughts not about all the terrible things they’d done but about Ian? Was it the hope that he had somehow been different from all the Ascended I knew? Because if some Ascendedweredifferent, then that meant Ian could’ve still been the person I knew and loved.
Gods. I was sure Vikter had said something once about clinging to knowledge based purely on one’s foolish wishes. And itwasfoolish. The Ascended weren’t Ian.
In truth, the moment Ian Ascended, I no longer knew who he was. And if I let that guide my thoughts now, I would be endangering both mortals and Atlantians.
I took a deep breath. “We cannot save them,” I said hoarsely. “The best we can do is prevent others from suffering their fate.”
Surprise flickered across Casteel’s face. “You sure you’re okay with that?”
“I’m not.” I cleared my throat. “But I don’t think doing what is right always feels good.”
“It doesn’t.” Kieran cocked his head. “And that sounded incredibly…adult of you.”
I pinned him with a dry-as-the-Wastelands look. “How…how will we go about it?”
“There are ways to do it without causing pain or making it a spectacle.” Casteel squeezed my hand. “That’s how we prove we’re different from the Blood Crown.”
Recalling how they loved making an example with public executions, I nodded. “Good.” Picking up my glass, I took a drink to ease the knot in my throat. “It should be done quietly.”
Kieran exchanged a look with Casteel. “I can put together a group of those best suited to carry it out—”
“No.”
They turned to me.
“Weare making this choice,” I said, my hand curling into a fist. “Wewon’task others to carry out the orders.”
“Poppy.” Casteel’s hand tightened around mine. “You don’t need that on your—”
“On my what? My soul?” I interrupted. “Then why would I want it darkening someone else’s? Because it would. Itshould. I won’t allow another to take my place. None of us will.”
His jaw tensed and then loosened. “You’re right.”
I took another deep breath. I had to do what I knew Casteel and Kieran were so good at. What many who’d been in my position had done before. It wasn’t about not caring. Though I knew neither Kieran nor Casteel would be all that torn up, even though I also knew seeing to the end of so many Ascended wouldn’t be a walk in the park for them. It may not darken their souls, but committing mass annihilation—something that would’ve occurred if Atlantia hadn’t retreated during the War of Two Kings and instead pushed forward—would sure as fuck leave some shadows behind.
I had to compartmentalize.
Because the end of the Ascended was inevitable.
“We need to speak with the generals.” I chased a grape around my plate with my fork. “Once we’re done, we should probably do that.”
“After we finish here, we’re going to the new quarters,” Casteel countered. “And then I’m sure you’ll want to see Tawny.”
My stomach dropped, dread coiling tight.
I felt his gaze on me as he asked, “Correct?”
“Yes,” I answered quickly as I sifted through my thoughts for a reason to explain my reluctance to see her. The dread. It made no sense. Giving up on the fork, I used my fingers to pick up the grape. “I do.” And I did, but… I popped the fruit into my mouth and chewed, barely tasting its tartness. “But we have things we need to take care of first.”
Casteel fell quiet, watching me over the rim of his glass.
I moved on to a sugar-dusted strawberry. “Have any addresses been made to the people?”
“No,” Kieran answered, and I felt that faint charge of eather from them again. “There has been no real point in doing so up to now.”
