I sucked in a deep breath as guilt wracked through me. It hadn’t just been an one or two time occurrence that I’d sent Lucy to voicemail or shot her a text telling her I was busy while with Colton. But now I was realizing how all those times would have seemed to her. Like she wasn’t important, or that I’d been too busy being with someone else to make time for my family. Like rejection.
Sighing, I nodded to have her follow me to the stairs in the shallows. We needed to have this conversation where we could properly face each other. Lucy slid from her lounger as did I, and once we were settled on the top stair, I took my sister’s hands between mine, giving them a small squeeze.
“Mom is right in a way. You are always going to be important to me and nothing will ever change that. And transition periods can be particularly hard for some people, which will make some shift their priorities to accommodate that. But, the move and getting a new job were not the reason I haven’t kept in touch as regularly as I used to.”
She looked up at me with unshed tears in her blue eyes and my heart felt like it might break in half. I never wanted to see that look on her face, and it stung knowing I’d been to blame for putting it there.
“I hurt you by not being honest about what was going on in my life and for that I’m really sorry, Lucy.” I chewed on my lower lip a moment as I steeled myself for the next words coming out of my mouth. “I wasn’t ready to tell you I had feelings for someone yet, because I wasn’t ready for the questions. And that’s because the person I’m dating is a man.”
I took in a deep breath, trying to steady myself as Lucy’s face twisted into confusion. How was Colton able to do this so effortlessly? I’d been amazed at his confidence when he’d come out to me, but I had a whole new level of respect and pride in him, given the knots that twisted inside me now.
Lucy pulled her hands from mine and I tried to school my face against the emotions that stabbed at my heart from the move.
“Why?” She asked.
“Why am I dating a man or why wasn’t I ready to tell you?” I asked cautiously.
She flapped her hand a bit, “I don’t care you’re dating a dude, why wouldn’t you tell me when you realized? Whywould you keep that from me?” I could tell by her tone that she was shifting from hurt to anger, which was to be expected.
My shoulders drooped a little and I leaned back against the edge of the pool. While I’d told myself—and Colton—this was exactly how this conversation would turn out, I couldn’t help feeling a little relieved. But, I still hated how hurt and angry I’d made her.
Running a wet hand through my hair to slick back the strands, I tried to formulate the words.
“Honestly, Lucy, I haven’t ever told you about any of my relationships until things were serious. I doubt you remember it because you were so little, but there was a girl I dated when I was fifteen that you absolutely adored. It was just a silly high school thing, so it didn’t last long, but when she and I broke up, you were so devastated and cried non-stop for her to come back. I felt horrible about it and swore I was never going to introduce you to someone unless I thought they’d stick around for a while.” I let out a small sigh, running a hand over my chin. “But, doing that now wasn’t fair to you. You're practically an adult—and to the state, you already are—so treating you like a child was unfair. I’m sorry for that. But, you weren’t the only factor in this.”
“Things in Westwend are just… so different. Everyone is up in each other's business, so keeping things between us was the natural thing to do till we were ready to tell everyone. And it was really nice having this bubble where it was just me and him. But, I never meant to hurt you or make you feel excluded, and I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
She was silent for a moment before reaching for my hand again. It was the lifeline I needed and I took it gratefully.
“I know I’m not entitled to information in your life, even if we are super close.” She swallowed. “I feel like you know everything about me, and I think realizing I’ve been kept in the dark about something so important really shocked me.”Her blue eyes shone into mine and I was struck with a wave of different emotions.
“You said you haven’t told anyone else yet? So no one knows you’re dating a dude or that you’re…” She paused, allowing me to fill the blank and I couldn’t help smiling at her.
“Bisexual, but no I haven’t. You’re the first person to know I’m dating a guy and I’m coming out to—other than my boyfriend, but he doesn’t count.” I teased.
Lucy wore a look I couldn’t interpret as she stared at me, not saying anything. Some of my nerves from earlier returned, churning lowly in my gut as I waited her out.
“It’s Colton, isn’t it?” She asked finally, her eyes bouncing between mine.
I blinked rapidly, trying to figure out how she’d come to that conclusion with what we’d been talking about. “How did you know?” I asked.
“Oh my god!” She laughed, leaning back, her smile splitting her face. “If I’d known guys were a possibility, I would have clocked it sooner. He was all you ever talked about! Plus, you’d get this mushy tone in your voice when you did.”
Part of me wanted to rebuff that, but the way heat crept up my neck and into my face told me there would be no point in trying. Lucy’s laugh became a full-on belly one and after a moment, I couldn’t help joining in with her.
After we got ourselves back under control, I opened my arms and Lucy slid between them, wrapping her arms around my neck as I squeezed her against me. I had a flash of holding her small, toddler body against mine, making my heart squeeze at how big she’d gotten.
“Thanks for being the best.” I whispered when I pulled back.
She smirked, shrugging her shoulders as she rolled her eyes, “It’s what I do.” She teased before softening her features. “Thanks for telling me. It really means a lot.”
Fuck, I really hadn’t been prepared for the onslaught ofdifferent emotions this talk was going to send me through. Taking a slow breath to steady myself, I nodded.
“I’m going to tell Mom and Dad at dinner tonight, but I wanted you to know first. That way, you can hold my hand while I tell them.” I shot her a wink, and she giggled.
It was meant to be a joke, but this whole conversation had me realizing just how likely I’d actually need her support tonight—if only to keep me grounded.
CHAPTER 22
