It was cruel, she thought, to offer her the possibility of happiness and snatch it away. ‘I thought I knew it too,’ she said half to herself. ‘But I was wrong.’
‘Meg, my dearest…’
He had risen from his seat and was coming towards her; she feared he meant to put his hands on her, even kiss her, which ought to disgust her. And yet she was forced to admit that it still struck a fugitive spark of excitement in her. Despite all she had seen such a short time since, despite knowing that he belonged to another – or should, if there was any decency in him – the thought of him holding her, caressing her, still made her heart leap and her pulse race. She knew that if she let him touch her, she would be lost to herself. Her every instinct screamed at her to move away to safety, to put some distance between them, but she held her ground, though it was a struggle. ‘Mere physical attraction is no basis for marriage. I’m sure it’s more than a lot of people have, but it’s still not enough for me.’
If she’d thought that would check him, she was wrong. ‘I entirely agree with you,’ he said. He was very close to her now. ‘I am well aware that we’ve only known each other for a short while, and in these cursed awkward, impossible circumstances, but I had thought, had hoped, that something was growing between us that you were as aware of as I.’ His voice was very low and intense. ‘To say that I want above all things to kiss you, to make love to you, cannot be news to you, and you are right, such a connection can hardly be unheard of. Until today, I had thought that we shared that awareness, yes, but beneath it a deeper and much more important feeling that?—’
She could not let him say it, odious, lying hypocrite that he was. ‘No. No, you are mistaken. Will you not believe me when I tell you so?’ She was aware that a note of desperation rang in her voice, which, if he heard it, could hardly serve to convince him that she was utterly indifferent to him. But it was so hard to be cool when hurt and anger threatened to overwhelm her.
‘As a gentleman, I should take my rejection, and leave you,’ he said drily. ‘You will say that you owe me no explanation, and it is true, you do not. You can owe me nothing, this situation is none of your making, and if you ask me to leave you, I must take my dismissal and trouble you no more. But every fibre in my being screams out to me that that would be the worst mistake I have ever made – that something is horribly wrong, and I must set it right before terrible damage is done that I would regret for the rest of my life. Someone has wounded you, has told you something untrue and greatly to my discredit. I can only think that. And if you believe ill of me with no good cause, should I not try to defend myself, in a matter so vital to both of us and to our chances of happiness?’
‘No such thing has happened. No one has traduced you; I have heard no rumours or gossip. I would not listen, in any case, if someone I did not know and trust – and who else could it be but someone I did not know and trust, given the nature of my acquaintance in London? – spoke ill of you.’
‘Then I can only assume that your own doubts have preyed upon you and driven you to this decision. Is that correct? I think it must be. And what can I say to you to convince you that we can find a way through this so that we can be together in honour and honesty?’
Enough of this. While a great part of her wished to send him away and never lay eyes on him again, then to curl up and weep till she was exhausted, another part of her was furious, and would like to see his reaction to the truth when he was faced with it. Let him try to wriggle his way out of this! If it would hurt her to speak, it would hurt her more to keep silent. Honour and honesty, indeed! She had not meant to say it, but it seemed, since he pressed her, that she must. ‘Sir Dominic, I saw you myself, this morning, in the bazaar. You say I should not listen to gossip, but I presume you will allow me to credit the evidence of my own eyes. I know what I saw, and it can have only one explanation, which has nothing to do with honour and even less with honesty.’
She looked at him, expecting to see guilt and horror written plainly across his handsome features. Panic, even anger, since members of the male sex, her mother had cautioned her, often became enraged and even violent when confronted with the incontrovertible evidence of their own bad behaviour. But unbelievably, astonishingly, he was smiling. Grinning. He appeared to be entirely at his ease, even amused. She could have slapped his face. Good God, were men truly so different, were they all of them utterly devoid of all human feeling?
‘You saw me in the bazaar, with Annie and the boys?’ he asked.
‘Yes,’ she said stiffly, offended by the ease with which he said the other woman’s name to her. ‘I saw your happy little family scene. And how you can stand there and smirk at me?—’
‘Meg, she is family – they all are. It’s perfectly true, I assure you. But not in the way you think. My dear, she is my sister.’
29
‘Your sister…?’
Dominic took her hand and drew her to the sofa. ‘Annie is my half-sister,’ he said. ‘My father’s natural child. Angela is her mother. You must have noticed the great resemblance between them, now that you have seen them both. I would have told you all, once I’d had a chance to ask Angela for her permission to share her secret with you, but I’ve had no chance to speak to her. I hope she’ll forgive me now – I hope they both will – but I can’t let you labour under such a misapprehension any longer. It’s too important to me.’
Meg sat, suddenly weak-kneed, and he joined her, saying urgently, ‘I must tell you the whole story, so that you may understand. Angela was no kept woman, and he no careless seducer. They loved each other till he died.’
He hesitated, as if revealing his family secrets cost him something, and then went on, ‘My parents’ marriage was arranged, as you know, and it was no happier than your parents’ union, though there was no such open breach between them, just a growing coldness. As they grew further apart, my father devoted more of his attention to his charitable foundation. The energy he expended on his beloved project was a greater and greater source of friction between them, since my mother disapproved of it and saw it as an unbecoming way of spending his time, and so their estrangement increased even more – it’s hard to tell at this distance which came first, and perhaps it scarcely matters now. In any case, it was there that he met Angela – she was a nurse, a very good one, employed to look after the children, and very quickly she became vital to the success of the whole endeavour, and the real head of it. Annie is three years younger than me, and by the time she was born my parents were all but separated, though they lived under the same roof still. It’s not my place to justify my father’s infidelity – it’s none of my business and I have no right to judge him – and I must always feel sorry for my mother, but Annie is my sister, and her boys, Toby and Nick, are my nephews. I am very fond of them, rascals though they are. I’m sure you could see that, though you misinterpreted the cause of it.’
‘Her husband was not with you, though, or I suppose I could not have jumped to such a foolish conclusion…’
‘He’s a lieutenant in the militia. Tom Gilbert, a very good fellow. He grew up in the children’s home, playing with Annie and falling in love with her, but was later adopted by a prosperous Anglo-Portuguese merchant family who paid for his education and helped him commence his military career. His regiment has been posted in the north until now, but they have just been transferred to Hertfordshire, and so Annie has brought the boys to town for a while to spend time with their grandmother, and with me. We haven’t seen them for several months – as you can imagine, it’s hard for Angela to get away for long, so this move so much closer will be a boon to her, and to Annie.’
It was a great deal to take in. ‘Does your mother know of their existence, then?’
Dominic said sombrely, ‘Until yesterday I would have sworn that she did not. But I know now that she does – she tells me she has always known, and that she was aware of Annie’s birth too, and felt, still feels, great bitterness and anger. My father only told me all when he was dying, nine years ago, to make sure that I would have a care for them when he was dead. I have kept his secret from her ever since. But I knew them well already, since my own childhood. He took me with him often, when he went to visit the foundation, and that was another source of conflict between him and my mother. Now, of course, I know that it was not just a concern for my safety or even a desire to keep me far away from children she considered low, unsuitable playmates; no, she knew that I was spending time with Angela and Annie, and growing close to them. She was jealous, and I suppose I cannot blame her. As with your parents, mine did not bring out the best in each other, but always the worst. It is a sadness to me to see this continuing even now that my father is long dead. I would hope my own life and marriage could be very different.’
Meg was astonished, but it did not occur to her to disbelieve him. She could see how it all fitted together, and Angela’s words and her friendly attitude to Dominic, which had previously puzzled her so much, now made perfect sense. She felt almost faint with relief. ‘I gravely misjudged you. I owe you an apology, it seems.’
‘And I you. You would have been spared this anxiety if I had told you sooner, and I should have done, Meg, because I learned something yesterday from my mother that is of great importance to both of us. I knew I should tell you, and we must tell your sister too, but I hesitated to do so, and that was wrong.’
‘Tell me…’ she said instantly. ‘Do not fear to hurt me. I was foolish not to come forward when I saw you this morning, but instead leapt to conclusions that were unjustified. I had almost decided – no, I had decided to marry you, despite all the troubles that still beset us. I was going to write to you and tell you so, and then I saw you…’
He took her in his arms, and she sighed and snuggled closer. ‘You were jealous,’ he said, and she could hear the satisfaction in his voice.
‘I suppose I was, but more than that – I felt I could not trust you. Not that you had betrayed me precisely, for you had made me no promises of fidelity, but that you were not the person I thought you were. I was happy, Dominic, and excited, thinking of a future with you, and then… it all melted away from me, and I felt so sick and foolish.’
‘I will make such promises,’ he said, his hands warm on her body, smiling down at her tenderly. ‘I do make them, very gladly, and will keep them. There are women in my past – a few, not many – but in my future there is only you. You’re all I want and need.’
‘Oh, Dominic…’ she sighed. She pulled down his face and kissed him, a sort of fierce claiming, and he matched her in passion and in certainty. Despite the many difficulties they still faced, they had chosen each other, and this long kiss sealed it.
After a while she pulled away a little and said, ‘I am beginning to know you, and I can tell that you are still troubled, and cannot quite forget it even as you kiss me. Tell me, my dear, whatever it is, and we will face it. All these secrets are so dangerous, it seems to me. They eat away at one’s judgement and cloud one’s vision. Let us be completely done with them.’
