And the sex.
Good Lord, the sex. I think the man has broken me. I’m pretty sure I’m ruined for all other men. I used to hate when women said that, but holy shit, I get it now.
The problem? Lincoln has opened up to me about everything that scarred him in the past, and I’m still being a fucking coward and not telling him about Eddie.
This is stupid. I want to tell him. I want to share my burdens with him, and I know if we’re going to have a real chance, I need to trust him with all of me but…fuck.
The smile on my face falls when Dr. Goodwin asks her next question. “So things are going well with Lincoln?”
“Things are going amazing with Lincoln.” Amazing is an understatement, but I don’t really want to get into the details of my sex life with my therapist.
“But I sense some hesitancy there.”
“I’m lying to him. I’m lying to everyone. Lincoln, Sasha, Nina, his parents, his brother, his other sister, his friends. They’ve all taken me in, no questions asked, and accepted me into their circle, and I’m not being honest with them about what I’m running from and the danger they could be in just being around me.”
Dr. Goodwin takes in my silence and keeps pushing on. “Are you afraid that if you tell them they’ll no longer accept you?”
Am I?“Umm…I…I don’t know. I don’t think that’s the reason.”
She clearly doesn’t believe me, but like the good doctor she is she just probes further. “Okay. What do you think the reason is?”
I don’t answer right away, and Dr. Goodwin just sits there patiently. “Shit. Maybe that is the reason. I don’t know. They would be well within their rights to tell me to fuck off. That they don’t want to be brought into my drama. Part of me wants them to do that, because if Eddie found me and hurt them to get to me, I would never forgive myself. But part of me…” I bury my face in my hands and Dr. Goodwin just does her patiently waiting thing again. How does she do that?
I continue. “Part of me doesn’t want them to let me go. But how selfish is that?”
“You think it’s selfish to want love and acceptance?”
Yes. I’m not worth the trouble.“No.”
“Do you trust these people?”
“Yes,” I answer with no hesitation. I do trust all of them. I know they care about me. I just don’t know if they should.
“But you don’t trust them not to hurt you or toss you aside?”
Hmm.“I think that if I tell them what happened to me, that’ll make it real.”
“You think telling them about this part of your history will invite your past to join your present?”
That’s it! “Yes! Is that crazy? It’s like Eddie is this ghost. Like Beetlejuice. If I say his name three times, he’ll show up and fuck up my life again.”
There she goes writing in that fucking notebook again. “I don’t think you’re crazy at all. But I do think you need to make a choice. Are you willing to take that risk to have Lincoln and everyone else close to you?”
The question of the year right there.
Lincoln and I are sitting outside at a restaurant for lunch. It’s a gorgeous day outside, but Lincoln has on a jacket and a hat.
“Are you cold?”
“Yeah, why?” He looks at me like he can’t fathom why I’m confused at his response. And I’m looking at him like I can’t fathom how he’s confused that I’m confused.
“It’s seventy degrees out,” I deadpan.
“Yeah, that’s kinda cold!”
I shake my head in mock disappointment. “Such a Texas boy.”
“And don’t you forget it.” He’s so damn cute I can’t stand it.
