“We’ll be right back,” I say to our friends, before walking out the door of the diner. As I go down the sidewalk, I turn to look at Clayton. My mouth opens, but nothing comes out. He stands there with his hands in his pockets like he’s waiting for the impact. My heart breaks a little more seeing what a good man he is, knowing I missed out on many years without him in my life. Tears well up in my eyes. “Why didn’t you come back for me?” my voice cracks. “You didn’t even reach out.”
His eyes widen, like he wasn’t expecting this. He probably expects me to give him another piece of my mind, but this is what has been keeping me up at night.He never tried.I know his mom must have told him I tried to go to him at the airport, but I guess I don’t know that for certain. I figured she would let him know, and he would reach out to me. But that moment never came.
“What are you talking about?” His eyebrows furrow, and I can’t help but focus on the scar across one of them.
I walk away from him, grasping the back of my neck. When I turn around, I rein in my emotions to keep my voice level and restrain the tears that beg to spill over. “I came to the airport the day you left.”
He cocks his head to the side, the lines between his eyebrows deepening.
“I thought you would reach out to me after, but you never did,” my voice cracks on the last part. “You just left and never turned back.”
His lips press into a firm line. “I—” He rubs his hands up and down his face. “I couldn’t.”
God, what I would have done to hear his voice, even for a moment. I was unbearably sad and also terrified that something would happen to him.
He sighs. “When I joined, I had to stay focused. I rose through the ranks fast, and the men respected me. But moreimportantly, they put their lives in my hands, and Ihadto put them above all else.”
I shake my head. “I don’t understand.”
“My mom told me years later that you came to the airport, but by that point, I was in command of my own squad.” He rakes his fingers through his hair, and his muscles strain as they flex. “You were a distraction that my men couldn’t afford, and before that, I needed to figure out my life.”
My eyes lower, and I search for anything to say because I’m speechless, listening to the truth hidden in his words.
“I saw you, you know.”
My gaze jumps to meet his. “What?”
“Twice, actually, but both times, you were with the same guy.” He laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “Each time, I got my ass handed to me the next day for being distracted.”
“Ray.” The name slips out with barely a whisper. An important name from my past rings in my ears. He gave me a friendship I needed, and I thought we were on the same page. But he wanted more, and I couldn’t give that to him. So he walked out of my life and never looked back.
Clayton’s eyes harden as he hears the name.
48
CLAYTON: NOW
Ray. . . the name rings in my ears over and over again. I finally know the man’s name who haunted me in my dreams. So many times, I imagined her with him, and it always ended the same. I was alone, and she went off with him. No matter how much I tried to push those images of them together out of my head, I couldn’t. During training, my Staff Sergeant would zero in on my distraction, and I would pay for it. Whether it be through push-ups or some other drill, I would have to complete them over and over again. He never had me run because he knew it wouldn’t be a challenge for me or a punishment.
My hands ball into fists, and my nails dig into my palms. “You two were at a bar, and every time he touched you, I wanted to rip his fucking head off.” I shake my head at the memory. “I might have if I’d been alone, but the guys could see something was wrong and got me out of there.”
Rylee’s red-rimmed eyes stare back at me. “But you didn’t say anything. You . . . you didn’t come up to me.”
I scoff and begin pacing on the sidewalk. “You wanted me to go up to you when I thought you were on a date with someone?”I face her, stretching my arms out wide. “That would have fucking killed me.” I shake my head. “I had to stay away.”
“You didn’t have to.” Her eyes narrow. “You chose the easy way out. You chose to leave me out of the hell you were going through in high school, and you chose to keep me away while you were gone.”
“Jesus fucking Christ. I was spiraling in high school.” I storm closer, making her back up a step. “If you really want to go there?—”
She points a finger at my face. “Don’t you fucking dare put this on me. You’re the one who wants to move on, but how the fuck can I when every time I look at you, I remember you’re the one that broke me.”
“I was broken, Ry,” I yell, pounding on my own chest, and I watch her eyes widen in surprise. “My father broke me, and I didn’t want to drag you down with me. I was a kid, and how I handled it was wrong.” I sigh. “I know how much I hurt you. Jesus . . . I’ve thought about it every day for the last seven years.” I watch tears stream down her face, and it’s hard to watch.
She turns, storming toward her truck in the next parking lot over, but I rush to catch up with her. I grab her arm and turn her to face me again. “I also saw you at the park with him, and you looked happy. But then you talked about trying to find someone, and I let a little part of me hope it was me. That you were searching for me even though you were with another guy.” I hold her by the shoulders and look deep into her vibrant blue eyes. “I needed to hope for that, so I didn’t approach you because I was about to be deployed. I couldn’t bear thinking you forgot about me, so it helped me make it through my deployment and the next one.” My hands fall to my sides, lowering my eyes to the cement.
“I was looking for you.” She places a hand on my chest,looking up again. “Every buzzcut, every uniform, every man . . . Iwaslooking for you.”
The pressure in my chest eases as I replay those words in my head. I thought she forced herself to forget me. I thought she hated me, and part of me knew she felt like she had to hate me. But another part of me knows it wasn’t all one-sided. Our friendship was real, but it was never only a friendship as we got older. That’s why the hurt was so great.
