‘And I still don’t, Nia. I still don’t know what it should look like. I think that’s the problem. I’ve always thought I would have children, because it’s just what you do, but when Edward suggested actually doing it right now, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.’
‘Try to calm down,’ Nia said. ‘Close your eyes. Think of yourself holding a baby, with Edward next to you. Now, how do you feel?’
Anna shrugged, though she knew Nia couldn’t see her. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Not that elusive feeling?’
‘I mean, maybe. I just don’t know. I can’t feel it. I can’t tell.’
Anna paused, unsure whether she wanted to ask the question that kept coming to the forefront of her mind. ‘Nia?’
‘Yes?’
‘When Edward and I first met, you said you didn’t think we fitted. Do you still think that?’
Nia was quiet. Then, ‘Did I say that?’
‘You know you did.’
‘Okay, I’m sorry, Anna. You know me. I was probably drunk. You fit. You totally fit. I think it was just because of what Magda said…’
Eight years earlier, Nia’s neighbour Magda had read their tarot cards. She’d said Nia would have one big love and one child, and then they’d moved on to Anna. Magda had frowned, said that there would be some tragedy, but there would also be love. She had taken Anna’s hand and said that the great love of her life would have a name that started with J (Nia had gasped and clasped Anna’s arm, and mouthed ‘James!’) and that he would have something to do with food.
James, the perfect guy from the perfect date, hadn’t worked in food, and he had never called. But Nia had taken it upon herself to lead a quest to find this man for Anna. So when Anna had brought Edward to meet her best friend, Edward, who worked in finance, Nia had been disappointed. When Anna had said she was going to marry this man, Nia had bitten her lip and nodded, looking like she was about to cry.
‘Nia, I can’t base my entire life around a prediction that some crazy tarot lady made when I was twenty-two!’
‘Okay, first of all, Magda is not crazy. Magda is a genius.’
‘And second of all?’
‘I don’t know. I didn’t have a second of all. Do you ever think about him, still? James?’
‘No,’ Anna lied. ‘Okay, maybe.’
‘You chose Edward,’ Nia said, gently. ‘You married Edward.’
‘I know that.’
‘So what did you tell him?’ Nia asked. ‘He’s not still waiting for an answer, is he? What did you say?’
2
YES
Tuesday 5 June 2001
Anna looked up at the clock that hung on the wall. Ten more minutes, and she could leave. All she wanted to do was go home, take off her bra, put her comfiest pair of pyjamas on and eat an easy dinner in front of the TV. But Edward had messaged her a few hours ago to say he’d booked a table at their favourite Greek restaurant. At least it was a five-minute walk from home.
‘Anna?’
She looked up and saw that Ellie had approached her desk. She and Ellie had started as publicists just over a year before, and because of that, Anna always felt like she was in competition with Ellie when it came to any kind of progression. She looked down at her own protruding belly and thought, not for the first time, that Ellie had won, simply by not being pregnant.
‘Hey, Ellie.’
‘Anna, I need help.’ She was shifting her weight from one foot to the other, and her face was all panic. ‘I was supposed to send out two hundred proofs forWings of a Doveyesterday, and Igot my dates mixed up, and I need to do them before I go home tonight and preferably without Deborah noticing. Any chance you could give me a hand?’
Anna agreed but she couldn’t hide her irritation. ‘Okay, but let’s get on with it. I need to leave in half an hour.’
