Anna moved across to sit next to Nia and let herself be wrapped up in Nia’s arms. She was vaguely aware of the waiter coming over and then backing away again when he saw they were having a moment.
‘I don’t know what I’m doing,’ Anna said. ‘Do you? I’m so tired every minute. I’m either working and feeling guilty about Thomas being at nursery or I’m with Thomas and feeling guilty for not enjoying it enough. It’s like I’m trying to do everything and not getting anything quite right. It was so important to me to have a career, and now I’m in my early thirties and I’m still just a publicist and?—’
‘Stop,’ Nia said.
Anna did. She took some deep breaths and brushed away the tears with the cuff of her cardigan.
‘You’re not “just” anything,’ Nia said. ‘Let’s get that straight, for a start. Your job is not you. Yes, you’re a publicist, but you’re also a bloody good mum, a loving wife, a fabulous best friend. You’re good and kind and funny and about a thousand other things that so many people aren’t. So don’t do that. Don’t put yourself down.’
Anna smiled shakily. ‘Thank you.’
‘Tell Edward,’ Nia said. ‘Talk to him. Work it out.’
That evening, Anna thought, she would do as Nia had advised. She would tell Edward. What was she going to do, she reasoned, just keep it to herself as the baby grew inside her? Edward was the father. He had to know. But all the time they were bathing Thomas, reading his story, brushing his tiny teeth, Anna was struggling to find the words.
‘One more story?’ Thomas asked.
Times like this, when he was sleepy and sweet and wanted to cuddle, she could imagine doing it all again. But there were so many other times that weren’t like that at all.
‘One more,’ she said.
Edward leaned over and kissed Thomas. ‘Night, buddy,’ he said. Then to Anna, ‘I’ll go down and make a start on dinner.’
Anna read a story about snow bears, and when Thomas asked for one more, she laughed and shook her head. ‘But in the morning, when the sunshine on your clock comes up, you can come in our bed for cuddles, okay?’
He laid his head down, and she turned out his main light, put on his nightlight, kissed him. She went downstairs to the kitchen.
Edward was standing in front of the hob, giving a sizzling pan a quick shake. Fajitas. ‘Okay?’ he asked.
He meant with Thomas, she knew, but it was as good an opportunity as she was going to get to say something. ‘I need to talk to you about something.’
Edward’s face dropped, and Anna saw at once that he was expecting something different from the news she was about to impart. What was it?
‘Okay,’ he said, his face drained of all colour.
‘Do you know what it’s about?’ Anna asked, unsure where this was heading.
‘Is it about Fran?’ He reached over and turned off the hob ring, and the room suddenly seemed eerily quiet.
Fran? Fran was a woman Edward worked with. Anna had met her at a couple of work events. She was a few years younger than them, pretty in a birdlike way. Anna had never once considered her a threat.
‘You tell me,’ she said, and suddenly the conversation wasn’t about the baby any more and Anna wasn’t sure it would move back in that direction.
‘Oh fuck,’ Edward said. ‘It wasn’t that, was it? It’s just, I saw a receipt I’d left in my pocket on the bathroom windowsill the other day and I’ve been waiting for you to bring it up…’
Receipt? Bathroom windowsill? Anna cast her mind back. When she did the washing, she always checked all the pockets, and took out anything she found. She did remember taking some paper out of Edward’s trouser pocket but she hadn’t looked at it. She must have forgotten to put it in the bin.
‘What was it a receipt for?’ she asked, putting everything she had into keeping her voice steady.
‘A dinner. I took her for dinner, Anna. That night last week when I said I was having drinks with Rav. I don’t know why, but I…’
‘But what?’
Anna felt like she’d walked into the wrong house, like she was at the centre of someone else’s marriage drama. This wasn’t how she’d expected the evening to go at all. By now, she had thought they’d be caught in a little celebration. Her biggest worry had been faking her own enthusiasm, not her husband admitting to dinner with another woman.
‘Anna,’ Edward said, stepping in front of her and taking bothher hands in his, ‘I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Things have been a bit strained lately, haven’t they? I feel like all we are is parents sometimes. I feel like we’ve lost our own relationship in the middle of it all. It’s such a cliché. And Fran was flirting with me and it just seemed so easy, and I lost my mind. I temporarily lost my mind.’
‘Do you think I never think about other men?’ Anna asked, and out of nowhere, she pictured Steve. ‘Do you think I don’t notice people, that men don’t sometimes flirt with me? The reason I don’t act on any of those things is because we promised to stay together and we have a child.’
