There’s a moment of silence.
Another pause as I nod, and then...
“You have a fiancée.”
He bites his lip and looks at me, nodding once. “I wish we were better at staying in touch.”
Regret blooms in my chest as I remember how we let each other drift. The right thing to do is set boundaries, so I tell him, “I don’t want to know anything about you anymore.”
He squints at me like his champagne brain isn’t comprehending my words.
“I mean...” I press my lips together and breathe, preparing to rephrase. “I just think it’d be a better situation if we don’t tempt fate.”
“Sometimes...” he begins, his eyes buried in the tile floor, his thumb nervously rubbing his thigh. “Sometimes I think of you and—” I open my mouth to object, but he cuts me off, “No, I’m well aware I sound like a complete asshole—”
“You’re an asshole if you say what I think you’re about to say,” I respond, crossing my arms and leaning against the counter.
He smiles. “Fine. I’m an asshole, but if I don’t say this now, I’ll regret it every day moving forward.”
He licks his lips and swallows. I can see his chest moving up and down with each hesitant breath. I wait.
“If there’s even a small part of you that wants to be with me, I’ll end it with Audrey tomorrow.”
My chest tightens as the air leaves my lungs. A part of me wants to say, yes, let’s run away. I can’t stop thinking about you. I want you forever. But we’re both a little drunk and I refuse to make important decisions about people’s hearts when my bloodis 0.08% champagne. Saying yes is as irresponsible as his offer is reckless.
“If you and Audrey aren’t meant to be, I don’t want to be the reason. I want you to give that relationship everything you have and decide, without me as a factor, whether or not she’s right for you.” I pause to breathe as my chin trembles. “But if this is really how you feel, you need to examine your heart and relationship. Because you can’t and shouldn’t want to end it because youmightlove someone else.” The words are sticky as sap as they leave my tongue, but I continue. “I refuse to be a maybe. I refuse to be your rash decision. I refuse, because, if I say yes, and one day when all the newness has worn off and you’re staring off into the distance, I’m going to wonder if you wish you picked Audrey.”
He almost nods, but freezes as he says, “It’s not about picking. It’s about knowing there’s something drawing me to you. You don’t just make me wonder. You make me feel. You make me want to write poetry and skip down the street, and I don’t skip, Jules.”
I can’t help it. I smile, even as the emotion builds inside of me. “I think...”
I love you.
I want you.
I will have many loves and most of them will be you.
I groan.
“You feel it too,” he breathes, stepping closer. “This pull. This... ache.”
I grind my teeth together. “JP, I meant what I said, and I’m not going to let you change my mind.”
He steps back, leaning against the countertop again. Six terracotta tiles separate us.
“I need you to go all in with her before you change your mind. And if you leave her, don’t let it be because of me.”
He swallows, his Adam’s apple gliding up and down his throat. Finally, he nods and I wonder for a moment if I’m throwing it all away.
We don’t continue the conversation. Instead, he simply says, “I want the very best for you. And I hope when you think of me it’s all good things.”
I smirk. “And I hope I haunt you.”
His head dips into a shy laugh and it’s far more endearing than I can stand. He drags a hand through his hair and finds my eyes again. “You already do.”
Our breathing fills the silence for several moments, then he chucks the empty bottle into the trash, and I high-five him for making it and tell him goodnight.
My entire body aches as I dip under the covers after I make it upstairs. I strain my ear to hear anything from the bedroom next to mine, but there’s only shuffling and silence. I almost get out of bed to knock on his door, saying, I changed my mind. Pick me. Love me. But I don’t.
