“I love your dress!” Audrey comments, and I do my best to take the compliment. Emily asked if we could still do a fancy New Year’s Eve. The boys are wearing tuxes, and the girls are wearing black cocktail dresses. Even though we’re calling nine o’clock midnight, Emily wanted this little slice of what-once-was.
“Thank you,” I manage through a tightly wound chest.
“Yay! It’s going to be the best New Year,” she continues as I move the rice noodles out of the boiling water and into the wok filled with veggies and shrimp. I’m thankful for the steam as it rises with a sizzle, partially blocking when she looks at her ring and then kisses JP.
She lingers on his lips a moment, and I wish I could look away. I almost do, but JP opens his eyes before she pulls away and looks right at me. I smile but I’m certain it’s more of a grimace and shame instantly flames on my cheeks.
“All right, since Austin has the baby, will you help me zip my dress?” Emily says to Audrey and they march upstairs, leaving me to finish the meal.
“Can I help?” JP asks.
I toss the sauce into the noodles, veggies, and shrimp. “You should get dressed. This will be done soon and Pad Thai is besteaten immediately.” I focus on the dish. Tossing. Tossing. Not meeting his eyes.
He steps an inch closer and lowers his voice, “You look nice.”
It’s a short and sexy little number with long sleeves and a plunging neckline. I hold my breath so my chest doesn’t heave. I can barely look at him.
“Thank you,” somehow makes it out of my mouth and I turn off the wok. “Now, go. Dinner’s on in five.”
He leaves the kitchen and I plate everyone’s dinner and add crushed peanuts and sprouts to each. Homemade gyoza sit in rows on a plate in the center of the table.
Soon, dinner is devoured and champagne is poured and refilled. Music blasts from the TV and JP dances with Alyson in the family room.
A couple of glasses in, Audrey grabs my elbow and says, “It’s you, isn’t it?”
I draw back. “It’s me, what?”
Audrey swallows a long gulp of champagne, and I ignore her glassy eyes. “You’re the one he thinks about sometimes.”
“Who?” I ask, knowing I’m playing the dumb fraud.
She rolls her eyes, not at all playing into my game.
“Oh, Audrey, no—”
“Don’t worry. Just know he thinks about you,” she says, though not unkindly as she holds up a hand.
“Oh, it’s not like that.” My breathing heaves in my chest.
“Maybe not for you. But for him, it was more. I’ve known JP since I was thirteen. I know him and I get it. I like you. And I see why he does too...” her voice trails and her gaze wanders, following her fiancé across the room.
I swallow and unease prickles at each of my fingertips.
“Did,” she corrects herself and I just nod as she continues to stare at him in a daze. “You know, I didn’twantto cheat on him.I had no reason to cheat on him. But there was something—there has always been something that has made me question us...”
Her voice trails and her gaze looks slightly unfocused. She’s reaching the threshold of just drunk enough to not have a filter.
“But I love him,” she says, sniffing and shrugging. “He’s hard not to, right?”
I remain silent, even as blood is coursing through my ears with the current of a river.
“Don’t worry. I won’t say anything,” she adds.
And then, before I can muster up any courage or tact or will to speak, she waltzes over to JP and lets him wrap his arms around her, and they dance.
I go refill my champagne and drink until the jealous/remorseful/ashamed void softens into tipsy indifference.
After pouring another glass and drinking the majority of it while cursing how small these plastic champagne flutes are, I refill it yet again and make my way over to the dining table across from Austin. Alyson climbs into my lap and starts passing out napkins. Why? I don’t know. She’s fifteen months old. She’s acting drunker than me.
