“Truly. I have had a wonderful time.”
JP tilts my face to look up to his. His expression is full of a million moments of joy and laughter. Sometimes, I look into his eyes and wonder if he’s ever truly felt pain. There is nothing but hope and joy in his expression at all times. The gold flecks in his green eyes are like droplets of hope raining down on me. I try not to hold on to the feeling pulsing under every inch of my skin.
“Holidays are usually hard for me ever since my grandma died. She always defended me for all the stupid shit my mother would complain about. But now, she’s not here, so I always do something wrong. I show up late. We fight. I leave the night feeling stressed and on edge, wishing self-medicating with a bottle of Merlot was a healthy coping mechanism.”
JP laughs, cupping my face in his hands. “How will you feel leaving tonight?”
“Like I’ve been loved.”
A snowflake lands on his cheek, melting against his warm skin, and he kisses me... just as the doors swing open his sister Bianca stands there with a shit-eating grin and says, “I freaking knew it.”
Gramma Elle
“The best parts of your life will be measured in moments. And the worst will be measured in bills.”
“HEY, GRAMMA,” I SAY, wrapped in flannel as I sit next to her on the porch. A mug of warm apple cider rests on my knee.
“How have you been, honey?” she asks before taking a sip from her mug.
I pause for only a moment before answering. “Loved,” I say. “I’ve been loved.”
“That’s what I like to hear,” she says. “Oh, I almost forgot. I have something for you. Consider it an early Christmas present.”
A box with a red bow is placed on my lap, and I open it carefully and stare inside but never register what it is—just that it’s a gift.
My chest cracks wide open and my voice breaks into a sob, which is all so crazy because you shouldn’t be able to cry in a dream. But I do. Long and hard until she’s out of her rocking chair and holding my shoulders.
“It’s okay, honey,” she coos but instead of comforting me, it makes me angry.
I sit up straighter with my tears soaking my cheeks. “It’s not okay though! Not since you left! Everything is wrong and I’m just wandering around with too many feelings that come and go when I least expect and I don’t know what to do with them. I just want to talk toyou!When things were wrong, you were the one I called. When things were right, that was when I called you,too, and now... now...” I heave, hyperventilating over my words. “Now you’re gone! And I need you!”
She hushes softly, pressing my head against her chest like she’s going to take control of all the emotion rocketing through this dream, but she doesn’t fool me; I can feel her chest throbbing with a sob she’s trying to hold back.
“It sucks,” she says. “But one day all of it will make more sense. Not complete sense because that doesn’t ever happen. Life is wonky that way. But you’ll have a moment where you go, oooh! And it will make the wrongs seem a little more right. And you don’t need me, honey. You have yourself. Trust yourself.”
I frantically wipe my cheeks with the backs of my hands. “I think I love him, Gramma.”
She takes my face in her hands. Her gentle gaze mirrors mine, tears fill her identical brown eyes, and she says, “Yes, honey. I know you do.”
“But...” I begin, but the lines of her face grow fuzzy.
nineteen
KEVIN LICKS MY FACEto wake me up the next morning.
I turn over and groan into my pillow. “No,” I murmur, and he whines. “Kevin, it’s only...” I check my watch. I shoot up. “Oh my gosh, it’s ten. Sorry, buddy. Let’s go.”
A million thoughts play in my mind as I scurry out of bed and wrap myself in a sweater. Last night was perfect. I felt like I was placed in a sitcom and played the part of the new girlfriend that everyone loved. I drifted to sleep feeling like I could fall in love every single day for the rest of my life with the man I said is only a friend. It sounds as much like bullshit to my ears as it is to everyone else’s. It’s odd that no one in my family knows about us, albeit due to my own omission. But tomorrow JP’s back to Greece for the year and reality will commence. I steady my butterflies for that impending fact and slip on my Uggs before clicking on Kevin’s leash and swinging open the front door, nearly slamming into JP.
“You can’t just show up!” I bite out the words as a laugh rumbles out of his chest.
“I brought you coffee?” He eyes me curiously, balancing a tray with two Dunkin Donuts coffees in his hand. “Also, my mom wants your address, and I needed to make sure it was okay.”
“That could have been a phone call.” I wrap my sweater tighter, pulling myself together physically and metaphorically.
“Oh. Well, I also just wanted to see you.”
I smile despite myself. His mother. His family. Him. Kevin lets out a quick bark. “Um... Kevin has to pee.”
