“I feel guilty about that,” she confesses.
I shake my head. “No, JP wouldn’t do anything he didn’t want to do. He loves you and cares about you and—”
“What I’m saying is a marriage of convenience doesn’t make you fall in love. Or in our case,backin love. That’s like saying a baby will fix a marriage.” She breathes out a laugh, avoiding the emotion ingrained in each word.
“Well, you’re ruining my favorite romance trope of all time,” I tease, though I can’t stop the tears from filling my eyes or slow the drumming of my heart. I have a lot of emotions I need to sort through. Sadness for Audrey. Regret about JP. Overall anger at the world and how cancer can swiftly ruin beautiful lives.
Audrey takes my hands in hers and squeezes them, holding them to her bony chest. I can feel the ridges of her sternum against my knuckles.
“I have to be honest with you,” she begins, and I nod, encouraging her to continue. “When I’m gone, will you be here for him?”
“Of course. I’ll always care about JP,” my throat hitches—I almost said love.
“I think I ruined your happy ending,” she says, crying now.
“No, Audrey,” I say softly, like coaxing a child. “No, I’m with Donavan now. I’m happy. I am. I just care about you and JP, so I wanted to be here for you guys. Okay? Sometimes people can sort of date and then be friends.”
“Can they?” She cocks an eyebrow.
“Yes!” I don’t give in to her skepticism one iota.
She stares at me intently, her grip still tightening around my hands. Finally, she nods and says, “Okay.”
The front door clicks open, and I jerk back and frantically swat at my wet cheeks. It’s no use, though. I’m certain by JP’s expression that he knows we’ve been crying.
“How you doing?” he asks, bending down to kiss the side of his wife’s head. She looks at me as he does it, and I avert my gaze. Not because I can’t bear to see it, but because of what she just told me, and I want to say she’s wrong. He loves her—marriage of convenience or not.
“This was nice, Julia,” she says, her voice growing more tired.
“It was.”
“Whatever you need, Audrey. I can be here. I’m only forty-five minutes away.”
She smiles, though her face has grown more pale during the hour I’ve been here. “I’d like that.”
“Do you need to go lay down?” JP asks.
Her smile is more of a wince as she reaches up and JP helps her off the couch. He’s so careful. So gentle. It’s hard not to think of the time he carried me to the hospital. I can still see the worried expression covering his perfect face. He’s wearing a similar expression, only this time there’s a little defeat in his eyes.
As they begin to leave the room, I stand, straightening the books on the coffee table and folding the throw blanket, awkwardly pulling at my sweater. Then just before they disappear down the hall, she turns and says, “Next time, I’m going to be healthy enough for Taco Bell.”
thirty-two
“I DON’T GET IT, JULIA. You’re over there every Monday for the last month for hours,” Donavan is saying after he spits toothpaste in the sink. He’s already dressed in pajamas and I’m just getting in the door from Audrey’s house. “I don’t even like you riding the train at night—”
“Oh, stop. I’m fine,” I say, peeling off my jeans like a snake removing its skin.
“It’s not fine,” he responds, cupping water into his mouth.
“I carry mace,” I add and turn on the shower.
Donavan taps his toothbrush against the porcelain sink with enough force the removable head of the electric toothbrush falls off. I raise an eyebrow at the dramatics but he ignores me. “Who even is she to you? We’ve been together a year and you’ve mentioned her zero times until you ran into JP.”
Who even is she to me?She’s the man of my dream’s wife. I omit the first part and say, “She’s a beautiful spirit with a kind heart, and a zealous passion for life, who was dealt a horrendous hand. Is it so bad that I want to be there for her?”
He shakes his head and I pretend to test the water heat so he can’t see my expression. “They have no one, Donavan. All her friends are giving her space and privacy while she fights for her life and all her family is still in Rhode Island.”
“Then why are they here?” He leans against the counter. He’s clearly positioning himself to fight so I brace myself.
