“I’ve never told anyone else this, but the truth is, after I got famous, I decided I’d never come out publicly. And it’s not because I don’t accept myself, or because I have internalized homophobia or anything like that. I know my dad thinks me coming out is career sabotage, and Belinda’s small group at church is praying for me, but I’mproudof who I am. It’s there in the songs I write, you know? And I think fans would be just fine with it, too. It’s just…”
“Just?” I prompted, stroking a hand down his back.
“I want my relationship to be mine.Ours. Private. I don’t want strangers on the internet asking sly questions about whether I like to top or bottom. Oh, and I hate—I meanhate—the assumption that every person who stands next to me for two minutes in a grocery line must be hooking up with me. It’s almost as annoying as the unsolicited boob pics.”
Jay rolled so he was half on top of me and propped his fists on my chest so he could rest his chin on them. “You know how the Olivia Merry rumor started? We went to a spin class at a gym at the same time and walked out together. That’s it.We’d been introduced before, but we’d never even had a conversation. Except this particular day, she said she liked my newest song, and Ismiled.Next day, a tabloid runs a headline that we’ve been secretly dating for years, I wrote my album for her, and we may or may not be eloping. And all of which gets recycled pretty regularly depending on how slow BlazeNewz’s celebrity feed is at any given moment… Or at least itdid, until the whole ‘getting outed at a bar’ thing, so who knows what shit they’ll print next? And I get so,somad at the lies. I want to argue, you know? To sue them. The injustice of it kills me. But Debbie tells me constantly that you can’t prove a negative, and trying to stop those stories is like trying to turn back the tide. She says all publicity is good publicity.”
He sighed heavily and toyed with the crewneck of my T-shirt.
“But if it was that annoying having lies spread about me and someone I barely knew, how bad would it be if they printed lies about me and someone I actually cared about?” He shook his head. “No way would I let the crappy part of my career bleed over onto someone that way,especiallyif it’s you.”
“I could handle it.”
“You think? Imagine, tomorrow morning, waking up to an article about Olivia and her ‘unnamed rocker boyfriend’ getting busy in some rooftop hotel pool in Los Angeles. Even if I’m literally sitting next to you, and youknowit’s not true, the rest of the world will believe it. All your college friends will secretly wonder. Your weird aunt in North Carolina will be all smug about it.”
I grimaced. “I wouldn’t like it. In fact, I’d probably hate it. But I’d deal with it.” It’d be worth it.
“Would you, though? For how long? What about when they drag up your marriage to Aimee? What about when they find Vinnie the Monster Truck Emoter outside a tractor pull somewhere and get him to tell his embellished story of your torrid affair, and your friends and family have to read that shit? Any sane person would run for the hills, Rafe.”
He sounded so certain and so sad, and I hated that for him. I hated it forus.
But, I reminded myself, this relationship thing was about ten minutes old. In time, he’d see that I meant what I said. That I wasinthis, a hundred percent.
Right now, all I wanted was that chance.
And I wanted my playful Jay back.
I hooked my leg behind his and rolled us so he was underneath me. “So, wait, just so I get it right in my future tell-all interviews…areyou a top or a bottom?” I blinked innocently.
Jay grabbed a pillow from the stack behind us on the bed and smacked me on the head. “I’m vers. I thought we’d kind of established that.”
“Pfft. No. Notconclusively. But what a coincidence, for I, too, am versatile.”
“Fascinating.” Jay attempted to look pissy, but his hands tugged at my hair the way they seemed to do when he was turned on. “That isnotthe point of this conversation.”
“Maybe not for you.”
“Rafe,” he mock scolded.
“Jaaaay,” I scolded right back. “Kiss me, babe. Kiss me because it’s been a whole day since you’ve really kissed me, and longer than that since I got to hold you.”
He shook his head up at me, exasperated. “Arguing with you is going to be impossible, isn’t it?”
I nodded. “Because I’m always right, and that will be your cross to bear.Kiss me,” I repeated.
He held my head in his hands and lifted up to take my mouth, licking into me so slow and dreamlike it felt like we were moving underwater. As always, the touch of his lips to mine was like heaven.
“You know,” I said when he’d pulled back for breath, “when you and I were out on the boat, I used to imagine you—”
Jay’s phone rang again, and I glanced over my shoulder toward the floor. “You wanna get that? Could be important.”
Jay shook his head. “Hells no. Four people in the whole world have my number. You’re here, Debbie can wait, Aimee was fine half an hour ago and she’d call you if it were an emergency, and Oak would too since he has your number now. I’m pretty sure he likes you.”
“Hmph.” I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
Jay kissed me again, hard and fast this time. “Look, if Chet’s sold our story to the tabloids, or the footage of you karaoke-ing ‘Pretty Girl’ has gone viral, we can wait until we’re done to hear about it. Thirty minutes won’t make much difference.”
“Half an hour?” I wrinkled my nose. “As if.”
