Yeah, no, Fenn was wrong. I wasn’tbitter.I was hurt.
Still.
And it was pretty freakin’ ironic that Aimee, my legally wedded wife, had up and walked out of my life sixteen months ago with zero explanation and no contact since, not even to update me on her health, andthatI’d mostly gotten over. But Ja…certain other people? The scars they left were permanent.
“Rafael?” My dad’s voice, dripping with sarcasm, interrupted my thoughts. “Sorry to interrupt your daydreaming with our pesky meeting, son, but the ladies need you to officially choose between their two proposals for decorations since it’syour job.” He gave Harvey Culpepper, the committee’s most dedicated rule-follower, a sideways look. “Fortunately, Jonquil’s plan is the only correct choice here.”
I blinked.Shit. Jonquil Pepper and Lorenna McKetcham stared at me expectantly, and Fenn’s teasing smile suggested they’d been trying to get my attention for a while.
My face went hot. “I wasn’t daydreaming. I was, ah… visualizing the decorations they described. Particularly yours, Ms. McKetcham,” I lied. “Mesmerizing.”
Toby snickered behind his hand.
“I always knew you were a visionary, Rafe!” Lorenna said eagerly. “You like my idea for the hats? The balloon tower? The favors?”
Balloon tower? What?
“Oh, uh… sure. Yeah. It’s just… the balloon tower is a lot for a simple man like me to take in all at once.”
Toby snickered. “Precious, fifteen feet would be a lot foranyman to take in, and I’ve had more practice than most.”
Mason gave a startled snort-laugh, which made Fenn laugh, too. Beale blushed. My dad shot Toby a look that said he, for one, wasnotamused, then folded his arms over his chest andhmphed.“Could we be adults, please, gentlemen? This is official Key business.”
Harvey nodded firmly.
What the hell had I missed?
“Er, Ms. McKetcham, maybe you could just go over the… thehighlightsof your theme again? Just so it really penetrates, you know?” I tapped my temple.
Toby made a choking noise, but when I turned to look at him in concern, he waved a hand. “No, no. Sorry. Don’t mind me. Mayor Goodman’s right. We’re adults. By all means, get… penetrated.”
Beale’s shoulders shook. Mason made a wheezing noise like a cat with a furball.
Dad scowled. “Rafael, I don’t believe we need to hear any more about—”
“Dicks!” Lorenna said happily. “Cocks, peckers, schlongs. From giant ones—” Lorenna threw her arms wide “—to tiny ones.” She held up her thumb and first finger like she was measuring off an inch. “And we’ll throw in some vaginas, too, for those who are into that sort of thing.” She leaned right and patted Harvey’s hand. “Whispering Key prides itself on being inclusive, after all.”
Harvey nodded, then frowned.
I shook my head to clear it. “You mean… you mean…?” I had no idea how to finish that statement, since I had no idea what Lorennacouldmean.
“ImeanSafer Sex and Body Positivity.” When it was clear I wasn’t following, she added, “Did you not hear a word I said a couple minutes ago, honey? Did thinking of the giant penises rot your brain?” She gave me a sympathetic smile. “It’s okay. Happens to the best of us.”
Fenn gave a whimper, like the force of restraining his laughter was physically painful.
“I’m thinking condom favors. Penis jousting! Not with real penises,” she reassured Harvey, who did not seem reassured. “Inflatable ones. And the whole festival would be clothing optional. It would increase tourism likeheck! We’d get all kinds of publicity. Plus, my Maddie helped me price it all out on the internet, and even with a lifelike fifteen-foot balloon-tower phallus, we’d be well within budget!”
I stared at her, blinking slowly. “Alifelikefifteen-foot…”
“I told my granddaughter, there’s no need to overspend. Cheap dicks work just as well as expensive ones,” Lorenna told Harvey, as Maddie McKetcham nodded in agreement. “That’s a life lesson there.”
Harvey nodded again, like he wasn’t sure whether he wanted her to be his new best friend or to stay far away from him. This was pretty on-brand for Lorenna McKetcham.
“This whole discussion is ridiculous!” My dad sat forward in his chair. “ItoldLorenna this is a family-friendly festival. The goal is to increase tourism and do some fundraising for the island,notto cause a stir for the sake of it. Under no circumstances will Rafe even entertain this so-called option.”
“And I say, what’s more family-friendly than safer sex and body positivity?” Lorenna demanded. “Open yourmind, Mr. Mayor.”
“Rafael, tell her no one brings their children to a festival with giant, inflatable penises!” Dad said, exasperated.
