“Oh, that’s what he said,” I agreed around a mouthful of chickpeas. “Like he’s my mother, tryna make decisions for me. Can you even believe it?” I shook my head. “The guy’s scared as fuck and trying to pretend it was all some kind of‘if you love it, set it free’bullshit. And then he tellsmeI don’t understand that actions have consequences! The man is—”
“Scared of what?”
“Huh?”
“Jamie’s scared, you said. Scared of what?”
“Well… of relationships, obviously. Of commitment.” But it didn’t ring true, even as I said it. He loved me. I believed that. And if anything, he was too committed to things. To his job, to his house, to Diane down at Goode’s.
“Yeah? Why, Parks? Why’s he scared?”
“I guess because…” I trailed off.
“Because why?” Cal insisted.
“I don’t know why! He doesn’t want to risk… things.”
“Parker.” Cal leaned forward. “I know there’s one tiny seed of logic floating around in that brain along with the whiskey. Find it and plant it.”
“What?”
“What Cal’stryingto say,” Ash interjected, “is that if Jamie broke up with you last time because he didn’t think O’Leary was good enough for you, or didn’t thinkhewas good enough for you, or whatever… isn’t it likely he’s still concerned about those very same things? That the thing he doesn’t want to risk is your happiness?”
I frowned. “That’s… that’s not what’s happening here. And it’s not his business to make choices for me.”
“He’s not makinganychoices, Parks,” Cal said. “He’s doing what he did last time, which is removing himself from the equation so you can decide whatyouneed to do. Remember, Parker, you left town. You moved back. You decided to leave again this morning. Jamie didn’t make any of those decisions for you.”
“But all of that wasbecauseof Jamie,” I insisted. “All of it. I think I’ve made every decision since I was seventeen based on Jamie Burke.” I dragged my fork through the food, dividing it into sections and those sections into sections. “Deep down, it’s all been about him. Always.”
And look where that had gotten me.
“No,” Cal said, shaking his head. “It’s been aboutyou. Becauseyouwere scared. You remember what you told me a minute ago? You were waiting for Jamie to tell you to stay, because if you don’t make the decision yourself, you’ll never get anything wrong. Life doesn’t work that way. Youknowlife doesn’t work that way. You’re the one who goes around saying ‘If you can’t say yes, you have to say no,’ right? Well, guess what? Not deciding is a decision too, Parks. It’s just a really crappy one.”
I put my fork down again with a clack and stared at Cal’s face as I swallowed. “But—”
“And just to say,” Ash interrupted, “if heisprotecting himself, Parker—if hedoesn’twanna take a risk—can you really blame him? Hasn’t Jamie lost pretty much everyone in his entire life? His sister, his dad, his mom… you? Doesn’t it kinda make sense that you wouldn’t want to try to hold onto anything too hard, since it all seems to go away anyway?”
“No,” I argued, shaking my head. “No, come on. I would stay! I would stay in a fuckingheartbeat. Stayforever. He doesn’t have to lose anything! He just has to… tell me. To fight for me.”
“Uh huh,” Cal said. “But does Jamie know that? Have you said that to him?This is forever, Jamie. This is what I want. I’m not leaving.Have you saidanyof that?”
“No!Hebroke up withme.”
“You keep saying that, precious. Will it keep you warm at night?”
I gaped at Cal.
“I think, to, um… expound on Cal’s point there,” Ash the peacemaker said, “yes, you might have a valid reason for being scared too. But you’re the one who keeps walking away, Parks. And you’re pissed at Jamie for not taking a risk, but you’re really not taking a risk either.”
“When Jamie gave you an out, you took it, instead of staying to fight forhim.” Cal shook his head. “You know, the bravest person in this whole mess is BrianfuckingCarr. How sad is that? He wanted Jamie, and he gave it his best shot. He didn’t let his pride get in the way. And it didn’t work out for him, yeah. But he didn’t faint at the first hurdle. He didn’t quit when things went bad.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. Brian didn’t quit things because he wasn’t immediately good at them. He tried to make them better.
Goddammit.
“Have you ever read ‘The Gift of the Magi’?” Ash asked, seemingly out of nowhere.
Cal and I turned to look at him.
