“Where to begin…” She pursed her lips. “Precious, why do your plants have colored name tags painted on their pots? Maud, Lucille—” She glanced down again.
“Vera,” I supplied. “As in,aloevera. Because… because it’s analoeplant.Heh.Get it?”
“Yes, honey,” she said with a kind of wide-eyed solemnity that suggested I was very naïve or possibly very insane. “I get it.”
“It’s apun. Acactus-based pun.”
“I know.” She tilted her head and nodded slowly, sadly. “I know. And the name tags?”
I scrubbed at my hair. “Well, see, I inherited the girls when I moved into my old apartment over on Dunkirk Road because the last tenant left them behind. And I don’t know the first thing about plants. Ordidn’t. So I just kept watering them a ton for a week, and then ignoring them for like ten weeks after that, because who has time to bother with plants, right?”
“Uh huh.”
“But then the other day. Or last week maybe?” I shrugged. “The days kinda blend together, huh? Anyway, I realized that Ididhave free time. Like, atonof free time. Epic amounts of free time. So I started researching them. On the internet.”
“Uh huh.” Dana clasped her hands behind her back and gave me her patient, solemn look again. “And… the internet told you to make them tiny pots with names on them?”
“No, no, no. See, it turns out Vera and Maudlooksimilar, but actually have very differentwatering requirements.” I snorted at my own naivety. “I was basically murdering them and didn’t know it. So I had to get them new pots, obviously. And, like, why not paint names on there so I can tell them apart?”
“Uh huh. Why not?” Dana tilted her head in the opposite direction, and her ponytail swished with the motion.
“And then I didn’t want Lucille to feel left out if her sisters got new things and she didn’t.” I tweaked one of her green spines. “Lucille looks tough, but she’s sensitive. Can’t show favoritism.”
“To… your plants.”
“Yes.” I stood marginally straighter. “Studies have shown that speaking to your plants and raising them in a positive environment helps them grow.”
“Uh huh.”
“I mean, they’re clearly living creatures, even if they can’t act on their own. Although, you know, some schools of thought differ about that because on a cellular level, they do actually, uh… move.” I cleared my throat as I realized just how many words I’d been saying and that Dana was looking at me with concern.
“That on the internet too?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“So, you talk to thempositively.”
“I… well, mostly, yes.” Positivity wasn’t thick on the ground these days.
“Uh huh. And you named them.”
“I… yes.” If she saiduh huhone more time I was gonna lose my mind.
“Do…” Dana hesitated, then blinked at me. “Do they talk back, love?”
I straightened farther and folded my arms over my bare chest. “Is any of this relevant to the noise complaint, Dana?”
“Oh, I think it’s definitely relevant to something.”
I rolled my eyes and huffed.
“How long since you left this room, honey?”
“Come on. I was at breakfast just this morning. Remember? I sat at the table in the corner.” I scowled.
“Alone.”
“Pssht.Hardly. The room was packed.”
